wassup. this song is months old, but it was never ready for release. it was rerecorded and rearranged tonight so here it is fresh.

an r&b track feat yours truly.

Lo-Fi
Hi-Fi

beat by: soleternity

you and you alone

Gifted Thought:
i remember feeling confused at the beginning of youth/
cuz i was given a slew of different meanings for truth/
with all we see in the news and with all the teaching in skoo's/
its like everyone gave reasons for not believing in you/
but all these meetings with you, completely opened my eyes/
made me hope for a life with the spirit growing inside/
where ya loves holding me tight, so boldly and right/
and i got you only in sight..... you and you alone....

Albee:
I doubted I didn’t believe because I lived in fear
Of committing too much of my life to one who was not here
I said id give it all but I held back a bit
My dreams my hopes my life could never be your fit

I thought the world had the answers no need to look above
Because I didn’t know how much love could love

Chorus
I know I need you but my heart is in the way
I know I love you but my feelings are delayed
You died you hurt you suffered because of me

It feels like a dream too good to be true
So I look to other things this world is what I pursued
as I live in darkness, I find there’s just too much to hide
with your strength can I show what lies inside

the only way to change is to hit my knees
save me lord from the shallowness of reality

chorus

I took you for granted always praying never knowing
What you did for me and the great love you are showing
Trust does not take a long time but a moment and a look
At the promise you made, at the death you took

Bridge:
You are my trust, my truth, my love
You are the answer
You and you alone

Chorus

dont ask me why, cuz i dont know
but i suddenly just want to be home.

maybe im just tired of all these tests.

maybe im just grumpy cuz i just woke up.

i dont know.

maybe ill just check out tomorrow and start my break immediately after exams.

----
also i feel like scrooge, im already sick about hearing about christmas. no no not the actual story behind it, just all the commercialness of the entire thing.
i'm tired of hearing christmas music.
im tired of hearing about christmas shopping, how everyone's going nuts about it. no, i have no started, and no i dont intend to get too worked up about it either. not now, not ever.
and im sick of reading people's wish lists on their xanga and profile. i dont know who started that trend, but its kind of a... eh whatever ill stop myself before i end up offending someone. i just dont think its cool.

you know, i think im just sick and tired period. like literally sick and tired, as in ill and fatigued.

oddly enough though, i had an awesome day though.
i think i just need to spend more time with the one i've quite possibly been neglecting the most.

----
note to self: watch it. ok now you know where you stand and how it affects you, but the others may not be in the same position as you. dont cause em to make the same mistakes you've made in the past. don't let them fall if they have nowhere to land.

ugh.. quick break from studying from finals.

i dont remember it ever being this painful. same time i guess its cuz i never really tried.
plus the beginning of the week was kinda wacked out... just had some weird stuff going on.
but its over/sorted out/delt with. so its straight.
even still...finals are so wack. wack, wack, wack.

im kind of scared. some of my tests could make or break me. boo.

oh well, everyone is trying to encourage one another and spur one another one, so things arent as gloomy as they could be i suppose.
everything from prayer to care packages to encouraging text msg's have been going around the body.
here's a lil tidbit of wisdom i recieved the other day...

Phillipians 4:13
"I can do everything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me strength"

good stuff. thanks.

*sigh* back to it i suppose.

so yes...

it is now officially crunch time.
luckily i had a very chill/relaxing weekend to help me recharge for it all..
and to be quite honest i feel good about it all... quite positive actually.
----

on sunday evening a friend and i played some basketball. yes yes... i know... i dont play basketball...
BUT I beat someone who was once an all-star basketball player at their high school... HAH.

the game looked something like this...


heh... only... not quite.
and... yea... ill just leave the rest of the details out.. except i WON.

...
......
........ and then lost twice in HORSE.

ok....

bye bye ego.

i keep tryna meet up with an old friend, but things keep falling through.
i hope i dont seem too obsessive heh. i just miss talking to her.
it's been a while... and we (or at least I) always have fun doing the most mundane things.
i kind of just want to catch up, see where life has taken her the past 6 months, so on and so forth.
well, screw it... it'll have to wait till the break.

i feel restless. maybe its cuz the past few years before college i've always had close female companionship... and right now i really kind of miss that. especially some of my close friends from back in the day. right now its a little harder for me to have that same kind of relationship, mainly because the people i hang out are from my ministry. and my ministry is really protective of preserving pure friendships. that's fine, because i can understand why, since I know my heart and mind have strayed far too many times in the past. still though... there is a completely different dynamic between a same sex friendship, and a boy-girl friendship. i dont know why, but i really didnt care as much this year. who would have thought it would have taken me till my second year to start really missing the ways and faces of old.

----
you know whats an important lesson i learned recently?
i need to have more trust in God. All this time i've been identifying some of my faults, and 'lifting it up to Him'... only to not even try and rely on Him at all and try to tackle things on my own means and solutions. it's why i've been getting so frustrated... over my studies, over girls, over bad habits. this entire time, my heart did not believe my prayers... and empty words are nothing but hollow gestures. they do no one any good. I really need to make my faith more REAL. screw this head knowledge... it just makes me sound like i know what im doing... but still, nothing is truly accomplished.
----

turkey bowl 2003:
hah. steve (kim), you'd be happy to know that both your girls and guys teams whooped my church's teams.
but OFM boys and girls... you guys are heros in my eyes! ENNNN-KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

it was fun seeing people from all around though.
ranging from people i see just about everyday to people i havent seen in literally over a year.
home is good for the soul.
but it was kind of a rude awakening to realize that there's issues to deal with no matter where we go. I came home with the attitude that finally... no worries.
too bad there are, and always will be...
I guess that's why faith needs to be a 24-7 type of thing anyways. God's always on duty.
----

had some good ol jajungmyun in good ol annendale the other night. spend some quality time with ji-fun, carol and sei... people who i havent really hung out with in a long time. it seemed too short, but as always, it was very chill, and... very comfortable.

i love how carol can be so open and completely goofy regardless of who she's with. whether she's just met someone or has known them for years. yay for ms yu.

and camera's are always fun. im kind of starting to want one now. i've never been a picture kind of guy though.
----

eh. end of entry.

people i havent seen in a while and miss:

My Richmond Girls...
Diana, Hanna, Lily
(sue and eunice, you're included as well, just dont have any pictures of you too)




My Kids + extended fam... (who arent really kids anymore)
Katie, Nancy, Grace, Trisha, Treena, Gina.. the ol' lunch table crew.




My Girls from back home... *sniff they are grown up too*
Soyoung, Irene




and the good ol NK days ya know?

New Track:

People Come and Go

featuring three hot MC's
Gifted Thought, Fundamentalz, and Decipher

what you think? hot or not?

Lo-Fi

im in a computer lab right now killing time before class...

and you know what? i feel good.
for once i feel 100% good.

its been somewhat of a rough week, coming back from a retreat and having to deal with "life" again, but right now I see things a lot clearer now.

there are still some issues i need to work out, but in perspective i realize how small and insignificant these matters are when compared to what God's calling me to do instead ya know? they just seem so trivial now... still existant, but trivial.

yay for living in victory.

oh yea, a friend gave me an actual journal to write in, so i'm not sure how that will affect this blog. maybe ill still write here just as much, maybe not. doesnt really matter though, since i do this mainly for me in the first place.

im trying to think of what to do this weekend...
there are some plans in the works for a trip to annendale... if i do that i should prob get in contact with ms yu and meet up with her, but who knows...

happy birthday pete and nate.
two of the older bro's turned into old men this past week, maybe we'll do something for them this weekend...

other tentative plans include catching the roy jones fight with the rest of the guys...
or perhaps i'll just make a stop at OFM's coffeehouse.

*shrugs*

i'm also thinking about giving steve jundo a call and see if he's free tonite.

----
lastly...
i seem to be alone on this one...
but was anyone else dissapointed by Matrix:Revolutions?

sure i enjoyed it to an extent, but I feel let down.
Two many aspects, and concepts were introduced and explored in the first and second film only to remain somewhat untouched and neglected in the last one.
Dont get me wrong, it had some amazing action scenes.... but I was looking for a deeper side to it all to complement the rest of the movie, only to be given a cliche'd message on 'having faith'.

Keunu's acting turned me off more than anything else in this movie...
Before, when he just had to be all hard, he did a respectable job. But trying to get him to act out emotional scenes just seems foolish. Agent Smith however, I give my props to. That man did a very convincing job of his role.

Oh yes, and props to the new actress who played the oracle and the script writers for covering up the fact that the old oracle died in the middle of shooting.

Oh well. It was at least a good time out with the boys.
Sisters, hopefully you didnt read this before you all go see it tonight. Go in with an open mind and make your own conclusions, because most people enjoyed it a lot more than I did anyways.
Eh, who am I kidding haha. The only person that reads this blog is me.^^

have you ever felt like something was weighing you down, and it was annoying the crap out of you?

ive been feeling like that lately. most people really enjoy and get all happy when they go through what i go through right now, but no, instead its kind of pissing me off, cuz i know how its negatively affecting me...

it brought me to the point where i started banging my head up against the elevator when i was alone....

s'ok though, ive proclaimed it to Him, that its not gonna get the best of me.

ill up date more later...

did you know it only costs two bucks to get only the broth at pho?
its still pretty darn filling too...

----
note to self:sweats.

i didnt mean for it to get this deep. its not crucial, but its big enough for it to be a distraction. if i seem rude/cold/less friendly, its because its the only way i know how to deal with it right now. please dont interpret it as i'm hurting the friendship, when in fact im doing what i can to preserve it. i guess it is true, to a certain extent, you dont really understand how these things tend to work with me. its a rather annoying character flaw really. it starts out small, then it grows and grows, until its just rediculously out of control. just to let you know, this is my means of control. i dont intend to get you involved in this any further, i'm just trying to protect us ya know?

hopefully you understand, chances are you may never know this happened. to be honest, that's ok. just dont get too mad at me ok? sorry.
----

last thursday, i turned 19.
didnt really feel any different.
people tried to take me out via suprise ambush w/ water guns and balloons, but i outsmarted them. har.
however, i escaped only to be ambushed again, only this time they succeeded, then proceeded to tie me up and hit me up with water balloons. yay for the brothers. remember... "it always comes around" -_-;

the sisters tried to turn me into a cannibal by serving me a plate full of newtons. mmm strawberry :p. Regardess it was good stuff. props to them.

i went home that weekend too. only, it seems the older I grow, the more my mother confides in me, I imagine because she thinks im becoming more adult and can be involved in the adult matters now. it made me feel pretty darn guilty. just the things she and my father go through, and the crap they put up with. i didnt know what to say. i knew what to do though. in fact this whole year, ive been trying to do it. so far, not too shabby, but i still have a long way to go.

----
"holding out, i'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe 6 feet, aint so far down"
-Creed

i'm ready to defy gravity.

the monkey's off my back =)

now for some multimedia. yay.
----

this is probably my most personal track i've made to date.

nothing fancy, just spitt'n what's on the heart.

just tryna win back my life in this spiritual warfare.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/giftedthoughtmusic.htm

Lyrics:

Verse1
Im pist and im mad cuz this is in fact/
A repetition of crap that I did in the past/
Its not a different trap or individual lapse/
I tripped on the track when the chips had been stacked/
I keep slippin too fast to admit that I lack/
The physical knack to finish the task/
When I hit or attack, it keeps kickn me back/
Im sick of this crap, cant I give in at last?/ NO!
its my mission to grab this thing by the throat/
and fight till im old, cuz I have been told/
that im not alone so I always know/
that despite all my foes, this life has some hope/
Ill tighten my hold and try to be bold/
And trust that my faith will lighten my load/
Ill face the dark world cuz I have light in my own/
victory has been found and rightfully so/

Chorus:
“you cant make it”
Just shut the hell up, you aint gonna bring me down.
“so now what you gonna do?”
You can mark my words cuz I’m truly living now!

Verse2:
This doesn’t feel right & it seems like a joke/
cuz I breathe & I choke from down deep in my throat/
Like the rooms filled from floor to ceiling w/ smoke/
I see & believe that I’m needing some hope/
And I’m needing someone to feed me some rope/
Or I’ll never climb something as steep as this slope/
Cuz its these demons that know that I’m weak and it shows/
Only now I understand that its not me in control/
That’s the key to my growth & its time to mature/
to get up & face anything I will endure/
Now I proclaim im not some child for sure/
Finally I can see just how much denial can hurt/
Its an eye opener, shown like a brocure/
It Maybe mild at first, but still lying’s the worst/
Yo, So listen up cuz there’s no denying these words/
Im throw’n it down, lets turn it around…

Chorus
-The Evil Within

----

this is a song by amateur singer Eunnie that ive been feelin.

(1st Verse)
They say
Love?¯s not learned in one day
They say
That love takes time to grow
They say
Love takes time and don?¯t be in a rush
?®Cause you will end up just being crushed

(Chorus)
Love should take its time
You don?¯t have to race with time
It is on your side
True love waits and never fades
Once it?¯s there it?¯s made
Give your heart and dedicate
Love takes time

Break

(2nd Verse)
Young girls don?¯t just give your heart away
You?¯ll just end up in hurt and dismay
Young boys you listen up too
Don?¯t be so quick in loving girls
That won?¯t mean that much to you
Take time in finding the ?®one?¯
?®Cause that ?®one?¯ will stay with you
?®Till time is through (echo)

(Chorus)

(Rap)
Past the midnight, time seem to get by so fast
Thinking about us, what if we don't last?
Everything you said keeps troubling my mind
At first I didn?¯t know love would take so much time
Just tell me when I?¯m stepping on your nerves
?®Cause I?¯m very impatient with waiting forever
The passion might lose its spark
So I?¯m saying tonight we can cruise in dark
And I promise I ain?¯t pulling no more games
Really want us together in an 8 x 12 frame
I?¯ll remain as a best friend till your ready for love
Keep steady in touch, can't get enough of you
Yo it's highly addictive like nicotine
And now I?¯m falling asleep
Picturing our little kissing scene
Chorus 2x
-Love Takes Time, Eunnie ft Kustom Eyez

----
lastly, check out these performances.

http://www.souldout.net/performances.htm

im not behaving responsibily. this whole time ive been telling myself not to go there... but its happening.

is it real? i really dont know.

note to self: opening f.c. face, disturbing ra.

need.to.insert.distance.

*sigh* im glad there was intervention today. props to the fellow on the left side.
it used to be so easy. i feel... like im doing certain individuals wrong.

at least this kind of things doesnt hurt anymore. ive outgrown that sillyness. its still a rediculous weakness in general though.

eh.. anyways enough of that.
----

preview:

yo
aint it funny, aint it something, the way that our life unfolds/
we dont see it coming, while we're running we lose sight of those/
that we like and know, yo i suppose that its just the way it goes/
is there any way to know, which way they go, well maybe so/
but ya gotta dig deeper, and try to see what it is that matters/
do you remember all the love, all the tears, and all the laughter/
this life aint no race, so tell why (why?) we tryna go faster/
we better slow it down yo... wake up and look around...
open up your eyes, how many faces do you know?/
everyone’s got their own separate places they should go/
see, in this world of constant change, nothing lasts forever/
its way too easy to try and say it’s a fact that the past was better/
like the passing weather, all of our lives has their seasons/
there’s always people coming in while some of them are leaving/
each of them marks our hearts in their separate way/
but don’t forget to someone else… we also do the same/

note to self: watch where you step newt, watch where you step. this is all familiar territory, its exactly where you dont wanna be.

----
last night i was talking with a friend, and i started to put out my thoughts on our ministry body's social interactions and the dynamics and such. i mentioned the concept of spiritual warfare, working through the our personalities to expose and exploit faults that can potentially create a rift in our unity and 'one-ness'. maybe its me being over analytical, but it seems to me that these things are taking place every day. especially since a large group of us live all within the same general vicinity here on campus, obiviously because of circumstance we are around one another more. sure we laugh more, but already this year there has been levels of discomfort and levels of growing intolerance among some of us and i pray this pattern doesnt continue. i love this body, and i thank and love God for brining me to this body. i hope it remains one in Him.

----
my own personal battles remain awfully similar to those that I have had in the past, only... it seems like things are being handled a lot better....

1. studies/lazyiness... i gotta be a good stewart in my studies
2. girls... its important i keep the mentality that each of these young ladies are my SISTERS in christ. how i interact and deal with them should reflect that.
3. turning away from temptation ... in some area's im pretty darn weak.

----
[edit pt 1, 10/16/03]
my goals for this week... (in the more physical sense)
1. rock my calc exam tomorrow
2. rock my comp sci program due wed night
3. get early start on physics (didnt happen)
4. go to a theater and watch a movie on my own (chimee once told me she does this and i've always wanted to try the same since)

----

multimedia updates:

first things first, i made a new track... sorry if my vocal volume levels are a little soft, it was hard to master the track so that everything blended and didnt have a amateurish sound to them.

peep it at my sound click.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/giftedthoughtmusic.htm

its called "may i..."
i just put out how i was feeling. not your ordinary love song though.

---
next... check this guy out...
some flip guy named jay legaspi... very soothing acoustic music.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/jaylegaspimusic.htm

personally, im feeling his two studio tracks, "try, wait" and "10 past 3" the most... its good ish. gotta show love to the underground artists ya know?

[edit pt 2, 10/16/03]

it's 10 past 3 and i'm wondering
If i'm in past over my head and i'm
filled with a lot of anxiety
i apologize in advance for
not giving you any type of warning
i hope that you won't get too mad at me

don't read too much between the lines
'cause I haven't written much this time
just want to see if i'd be fine
without you in my life

and my heart says no..

but my mind says it's possible...
-10 past 3, jay legaspi

---
lastly, check out this link.
just a couple video's of what we do on our downtime ^^

quicktime required.
http://sta.umbc.edu/orgs/agape/tym.html

----

yay for college.

subject: *es*
notes: wasnt quite what i made it all out to be... or maybe what i hoped for. s'ok, its an opportunity to be around something new. and it also means its not a replacement, which is good because i shouldnt be searching for one. i guess the worst that can happen is that it all falls into the catogory of... typical.

----

dope song. lyrics are good. great musician.

-caught up in your love, ari hest

----


before.


after.

"im giving you my heart, and all that is within"
"i surrender"

i almost forgot what it feels like. its kind of refreshing... in a ... familiar sort of way. if that made any sense at all.
im beginning to think, that there is a certain quality. an x-factor. this shall be an interesting development. i need to remain on my toes though... because this can be potentially dangerous. not to self: *es*
----

new track...

What's Pain feat. DongJin03 and Eunnie

Hi-Fi
Lo-Fi

feedback? thoughts? comments?
----


OC.

----


spring retreat.

"one by one we climb up the mountain..."
-eddie kim

----
Baby set me free from this misery
I can't take it no more
Since you went away nothing's been the same
Don't know what I'm living for
Here I am so alone
And there's nothing in this world I can do

Until you're back here baby
Miss you want you need you so
Until you're back here baby yeah
There's a feeling inside I want you to know
You are the one and I can't let you go

So I told you lies even made you cry
Baby I was so wrong
Girl I promise you now my love is true
This is where my heart belongs
Cos here I am so alone
And there's nothing in this world I can do

And I wonder, are you thinking of me
Cos I'm thinking of you
And I wonder
Are you ever coming back in my life?
Cos here I am so alone
And there's nothing in this world I can do
-Back Here, BBMak

ive been eff'ing up past couple days. just poor willpower and general apathy.
not a good sign. there's something beneath all of this.

i seriously sometimes want to scream phucket.

-misc notes-
.are. seemed especially pretty today
.see. still feels cold
.bee. out of sight but not out of mind
.el. slowly coming up

.jay. got some good news, gotta be there

----

........
poo.

----
chut sarang.

i feel tired, yet unsettled.

unsure as to why. its kind of like something doesnt feel right, yet at the same time it does.

steve's guitar playing the background is therapeutic/relaxing though.

maybe more on this later as it develops.

this is for OFM.

i am amazed and delighted.
it doesnt have to end here, so dont let it.

trust in the Lord and you will not grow tired and weary.

my face is peeling. i have sudden random attacks of itching on my shoulders.... ahh the wonderful results of sunburn.

did you know you can get sunburn even if there is no sun out? almost the entire day was cloudy but apparantly UV rays can go through clouds. hah, could have fooled me. i thought i was safe, too cool for suntan lotion, there's no need, there's no sun...

*bzz* sorry wrong answer. now i have a wonderful wife-beater tanline across my upperbody to add to the other visual signs of my poor judgement.

s'ok though. OC was a blast. no not Ocean City itself, cuz that's just aight. but the trip, the body, the fellowship, fun fun.

the water was freezing though, i mean COLD. and it was raining in the morning, but hey, us guys cant let a lil nature get in the way! we all had to immediatly strip down to our trunks and jump in... dang we are foolish.

eighteen inch pizza sub on the boardwalk... biggest sub i ever ate. too expensive though. darn it. oh yea, i got to experience the joy of being pooped on by those evil seagulls. they saw me as a threat, so they tried to take me out. i screamed, everyone else around me screamed, a ripple of screams went out. then spontaneous laughter, some with me, most at me. yay! curse those seagulls, i shall get them one day.

[edit]
the best part by far was praise on the beach, never done it before, but cant wait till next year to do it again. nighttime breeze + sound of ocean waves + bout 30 heads praising = a good good time.
[end edit]

----

more and more i think im going back. im really starting to get excited. no other way this time. its gonna get done.
----

just a lil over a year has passed, and i think i can say the fast has been successful so far. i need to regroup and refocus myself again for the upcoming year cuz i seem to have started to let my mentality slip up. ok, im putting on my armor, and my helmet... and my anti-girl spray... and going back out there.
----

woohoo, first pay check tomorrow. home depot fa sho.

stupid things ive done for/because/around girls
- teased a girl about a physical attribute thinking i would be the funny guy only to realize i offended her (repeat offense)
- once again i was trying to be the funny guy and i was goofing off in school, jumping up and down for some reason when a girl shouted "eww stop! your pants are falling down!"
- drove 2 hours just to MEET a cute girl i met online
- bought over-priced, not-that-great smoothies cuz a cute girl worked at that ice cream shop
- tried to be mr. romance by leaving anomynous gifts to my crushes and then 'gently hinting' that i did it
- when picking up a girl to go to the mall and after being interrogated by her dad, i got so nervous and slammed my own car door on my finger when we got in
- in middle school i crank called a girl i had a crush on... i have no idea why... i just called and hung up
- spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE TALKING to all of them
- my first crush in elementary school went to my kumon tutoring place, i didnt know her name but saw her put her folder away so i looked at the name tag and then proceeded to write her and my name on my school binders circled them with a heart

prob more to come...

Thank you for...
A - apple juice, agape, amusement parks
B - the bros, bubble tea
C - capri sun, cell phone, computer, chinese culture, childhood
D - Dad, Divx, digital everything
E - express lanes, e-mail
F - fellowship, friendship, file-sharing, frappachino
G - God, guitar, great weather
H - holy spirit, honey mustard, hip-hop
I - internet, instant messenger, ice cream
J - Jesus, job, juice
K - Kazaa, korean culture
L - love, long distance friends, laughter
M - mom, mp3, my mic, milk, milk shakes
N - naps, neutrogena face wash
O - old-school kpop, OFM, online shopping
P - photographs, prayer
Q - QOHS memories
R - rap, rollercoasters
S - sentra, school, sleep, sister, the sisters, snow, soribada, sports
T - teenage mutant ninja turtles, telephone
U - UMBC
V - vacations, voltron
W - west coast beaches, winter, webcam
X - X-men
Y - youth group memories
Z - zippers

work in progress...

cleaning up

confessions
my middle name is vincent
i used to really enjoy 'chick flicks', but have outgrown em
i create elaborate self appealing situations when i daydream
i bite my nails, especially my pointer finger on my right hand, i dont know why
my favorite movie is actually a disney musical called 'newsies'
i dont know how i got a scholarship
i dont know how i let myself lose it
the only time i really enjoy being alone is when i am driving
and yes, i love driving
i feel uncomfortable telling somone i miss them, especially when i really mean it
i dont know how to blow bubbles with gum
i started rapping because i wanted to impress a girlfriend
four toes on my right foot are double jointed
i enjoy beverages more than i do actual food
i memorize words to korean music by remembering how the lyrics sound, i dont really understand what i am reciting
i rarely throw away or delete letters, deep email, notes or postcards sent to me, but sametime i never reply
i dont want to like this girl, yet same time i do
when around people i dont know, i become incredibly shy
i want to get into a fist fight, to see what its like
i want to be a history maker for His glory.

the above is inspired by dorice

so i just got back from my old church's senior banquet, it had been a long time since i had been to an OFM event besides a retreat and i thought it was a real cool. i give my congratulations to all the graduating seniors, some i never got to know because they've joined OFM after I left but still, they deserve it. its kind of sad to see those who have shaped and given OFM a certain "flavor" or dynamic leave, but at the same time its interesting to see them enter into promising futures. also it gives the up and rising members of OFM to start to have more influential roles in the ministry and really start to embrace it even more. i hope they do.

irene, soyoung, jiheon, jeremy, martha, thomas, kwangmin, and jaewan...
i can only try to guess the great things you can accomplish/experience within the next few years. good luck to you all.

tonite also made me miss my body back at BC even more. at least i get to see some of you once a week, and a lot of the bros are still in contact. thanks for the support.

so tonite also marked the second night in the row i was supposed to spend a night on the town with some of the richmond folk... but then things fell through... all good though. i would like to wish hanna a happy 19th bday in a few days... hope you satiated your desire to shake that thang heh. i also missed the last bus friday night so i found out what its like to take a cab... yay. the cabbie new i was a newbie, he commented on it. cost 15 dollars... boo.

and to irene, who turned 18 this saturday. wow you're an adult!

and a belated bday wish to ms chimee song, who turned 18 as well last monday.

[edit]
a picture from friday night's dinner with hanna and company


and yes, i am surrounded by females...
but the running joke is, im just newt =)

Day after day
I'm more confused
So I look for the light
In the pouring rain
You know that's a game
That I hate to lose
I'm feelin' the strain,
Ain't it a shame

Oh, give me the beat, boys,
And free my soul
I wanna get lost
In your rock and roll
And drift away
Oh, give me the beat, boys,
And free my soul
I wanna get lost
In your rock and roll
And drift away

Beginning to think
That I'm wastin' time
I don't understand
The things I do
The world outside
Looks so unkind
I'm countin' on you
To carry me through

And when my mind is free
You know a melody
Can move me
And when I'm feelin' blue
The guitar's comin' through
To soothe me
Thanks for the joy
That you've given me
I want you to know
I believe in your song
Rhythm and rhyme
And harmony
You help me along
Makin' me strong
-drift away, dobie gray

ugh...

the bro's hit up tony roma again.... we wrecked house.. they had to close up shop on us cuz they didnt want to cook anymore...

pics coming soon... you can see my belly sticking out.

----
things gradually seem to be looking up. ^^

pic of the moment:


atlantic city for albee's bday.

more pics here.

----

i need an ipod. my combined commute time of almost 4 hours to and from my summer class eats away at my cd collection. i cant carry so many cd's at once.
im tired. ill update more later.

i dont sleep anymore. well at least not well.

i lay in bed for hours until finally i drift off to sleep for a lil while, then i wake up and i go about my day. then i get extremely tired in the afternoon and sometimes unwillingly take a nap cause i just fall asleep in the middle of whatever im doing. "luckily" i lost the car so i cant fall asleep at the wheel. i think i lie awake cuz a combination of guilt and sadness are eating away at me. i get extremely moody at night when im by myself. i just start letting my mind wander... sometimes i even day dream at night, i dream up scenarios where im successful in one sense or another, or where i'm impressing people with my 'accomplishments'. damn, what a bunch of bull.

i realized im an amazing liar. often im just subtle, but at times i will blatantly lie to someone's face. ok i take that back, its mostly all to my parents face. but the subtle lies... i think i do that to everyone, and its gotten to the point where its not even intentional anymore, just a habit. i'll hold back information, or word my phrases and sentences so that it can be interpreted the way i want the person to interpret it, yet still be 'true' in a different way. dont trust me, its dangerous to trust me. the people who trust me the most are the ones i have hurt the most. sometimes i think i should be an actor, cuz i can lie so well.

sometimes i get in these moods where i feel like i want to cry, but im just too drained to do it. yea ive done my share of weeping and brokeness given the situation, but i still haven't shaken this looming sense of failure. in a way, its good though, it motivates me to get my self out there and start doing something about it.

you know, its strange, i feel so lonely and want so badly to just be around my friends, but i wont let myself. maybe its cuz i feel i dont deserve it, or maybe i just like being alone at the same time. i dont think ive answered a call to my cell in about a week, unless i thought it was really important. id rather just listen to messages. i avoid AIM, well mostly cuz my computer's been taken away too, but also cuz i dont feel like talking, when i know a part of me DOES feel like talking. if im actually online, i just put up an away message and just look at who comes on. every night i think to myself, i want to get out of here. forget everything and just start over somewhere. but that's so incredibly selfish, hell everything ive been talking about the past few minutes is all from selfishness. that's why i think more about girls now than i have in the past year, because i just want someone to make me feel good.

its times like these that I actually think clearer. but there is still so much i have to do, but i guess in the end its all about trusting God. i dont think trust is the issue, im just so damned discouraged. Also i havn't completely let go of all my old dreams, habits, lifestyle and pains. I have to bring myself to the point where i lay it ALL down and proclaim that i will follow. so yea, that's why i now have a calander in my room, every day im going to mark whether or not ive remained faithful to my comittments or not. its hard though.

"who am i that you should notice?
how could i have ever afford this?
who are you that you should care for me?"
-Jason Park

i was kicked out of the house for a week, but God provided and allowed me to serve at the retreat regardless of my inadaquecies. so it worked out ok. what can i say? he really does give and take away.


i want to encourage everyone who was at the retreat, especially my small group. its one thing to be touched and blessed, its another to run after it once you return home. you dont need a retreat to meet God, you only need a desperate, humble and open heart. i've never seen any youth group praise like we did at that retreat. wasnt that exhilarating? now that you all have tasted it, dont be satisfied with anything else! May God bless each and everyone of you. Now that you are on fire, burn so hot and so bright that everyone around you cant help but catch on fire as well. Let's bring revival to our respective churches.

uhm... yea, i dont know where i will be in two months, if i'm lucky i'll be able to return to umbc in the fall. however, the way things are looking now, ill be elsewhere. perhaps ill try to start over somewhere, go to cali like i always wanted, try to start up there. or maybe ill be allowed to stay in the area and start preparing to go another route. maybe ill be in the military, off serving somewhere. wherever it is that i'll be, i've comitted to surrending my life to Him. it's the only way I know i can get through it.

brothers and sisters at agape umbc, i apologize, but i dont know if i will be returning to the ministry any time soon. i ask that you all pray for me so that I can have another opportunity, but most of all that I stay true in the faith.

I want to thank jerry and steve jundo for giving me a place to crash when i needed it most, that was really awesome.

right now, i dont have much, however i am fortunate enough to be allowed to live at home, at least for now. i am thankful for that.
i will however, be a little out of the loop for a while. If i see you, i'll see you. If not, than I wish you the best until next time.

everyone, enjoy your summer, make the most of it.

"i know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
wih a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk where I lead
you will never be alone
faith is to be sure of what you hope for
and the evidence of things unseen
so take My hand and walk

just like a child
holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own"
-take my hand, the kry

one life. one love.

MOVEMENTALITY LP: COMING TO YA AREA

featuring: J general, Noose, Flowsik, Most Hated, Lon Star, J GiM, DYP the Goldynchild, Intrikit, Decipher, Hep da Tightest, Gifted Thought, Technishin, Prohgress, Red Eye, Killa Mack, DJ Alarm, DJ Vinylfiend, A W Rousseau, Kangel the Femcee...and more!

support by: Organic Thoughts, Snacky Chan & Jin the MC

RELEASING IN SEOUL, New York, NJ and LA

----

it was almost like seeing her for the first time. she was yelling at me to make a decision, but it was cute in a way. never really noticed it before. as she waited for my answer i looked at her across the room, just thinking "hm, this is new".

calm down though, its not what you think.

----

if you pay attention closely, just a mere mention of the name will cause me to react, or lack there of for that matter. if you see me being overly calm about it, even to the point of apathetic, then that's a sure sign that im acting that way. its kind of interesting to push things away when the rest of the world would have told me to run after it. i'm still not stressing over it though.

in fact, my mentality is still all about keeping options open... well sort of. its hard to explain, since i dont understand it, i doubt you will either.
----


fro.


bruce.


samo.

Peep the new track.

Title: Microphone Chemistry
Beat: JC Beats

Lo-Fi

Hi-Fi

Verse 1:
im barely legal yet my rhymes are very lethal/
and I bring it sicker than fat men wearing speedos/
im known to spread the illness like kids sharing needles/
cuz ya know theres no equal to this asian-american hero/
im taking no survivors, in this game im sparing zero/
people call me precious as if they were smeigal/
forgive me if I got ya feeling scared and feeble
ya couldnt find hotter busts staring in peepholes/
like fed-xing hi-c, I deliver the punch/
and eat any cat for breakfast, dinner or lunch/
ill go flow for any skeptic that’s sent to stop me/
and leave em living with no doubt like gwen stafani/
Im gonna drop it hot so ya heads are bobbing/
and ill have more hands in the air then the nazi’s/
ya didn’t think i could flow with my slanted eyes/
but im proving i can still spit the candid lines/

Hook:
It’s the reason why MC’n is my specialty/
It’s the reason why this’ll be my destiny/
It’s the reason why you can never get the best of me/
Its just a matter of … microphone chemistry/

Verse 2:
like rolex billboards, it’s a sign of the times/
screw the rep and the face, I got mine on the line/
all the wack mc’s, are just tryna get by/
sure they got everything, minus the rhymes!/
yea I did the crime, I stole the show from the rest/
only roll with the best, now don’t grow upset/
but ya only a vet cuz ya boring lines put cats to sleep/
while my rapping feats packs the heat to massive beats/
its like they has to sneeze, cuz their spitt’n is forced/
and if they got something hot, its bitten of course/
I give the gift of thought like some tradition of sorts/
ya wouldn’t get my bars if they were written in morse/
I don’t play with any losers I just taunt and some them/
Im here to rep the element like a Honda spokesman/
its like im teaching braile cuz I bring a touch of class/
so many mc’s fail cuz they don’t got the guts to pass/

Hook

Verse 3:
hip hop’s like the mitsu lancer, im just an evolution/
yea im good in theory but as you see im better proven/
I never settle losin, that’s why they keep on askin/
How did I get more respect than Aretha franklin/
Its cuz I breathe with passion and I’m never staying the same/
All these boring rappers are only praising whats played/
Im changing the face of the game, like a plastic surgeon/
All my tracks lack the cursin, yet all the wack cats are hurtin/
My punches crack ya sternum, so ya taking it to heart/
So maybe if you smart you’ll see im making this an art/
Peeps hate to face this part, I cant shout it enough/
My rhymes are so hot im always showered with love/
While I make em bounce to the sound of my dubs/
Ya’ll make em bounce straight outta the club/
The bottom line is this, Im gonna serve the masses/
I’m just like Harry Potter, this kid can work some magic/

Hook

to put it simply.
ive seen better days.

to be quite honest...

im scared.

a relationship with the Lord generally tends to instill a sense of confidence in a man. however, what I interpreted as confidence is now beginning to be revealed more and more as cockiness. the difference is minimal, but hardly trivial for the outcome of the actions from each respective attitude are drastically different. The cockiness has seemingly led to delusion which, in turn, has led to self deception which seems to be rapidly leading towards repitition of all that I wanted to overcome in the first place. at this point, i fear the worst. this dilemma, has consumed me to the point where i am completely frightened to confirm my highly probably suspicions, because I am too scared of the consequences to come.

I had given myself an ultimatum before, 'now or never' i said.... as the now has passed, the only apparant option now is never. however the limit i have set on myself was meant more for the sake of motivation's sake, which quickly deterioated only to submerge once in a while, but not nearly enough. at this point, its pretty safe to deem my actions and myself as a failure. I do understand that there is grace, but I am almost at a point where I am so desperate for it, but know that there is going to be a disciplining phase before anything else. it is not the discipline I am so scared of, for I know all must be honed by fire, but rather the apparant evidence that I need to be disciplined for the same damn thing that has haunted me years past. I am approaching things differently, I am going to face it head on with my integrity intact, but I will have little credibility held to my name since I highly doubt I have come through with my promises.

I have but one wish, that I could go back and fix all this. No not by changing the past, but doing the things I say I want to do in the future, right now. I want to be a steward, I want to be used by Him, I want to encourage those who love me with the one thing they have been seeking but I have yet to provide. I fear the worst, I fear I may lose it all. Not to say that I cant rebuild myself, but I feel as if I have been taken so far, but its almost to the point where the Creator is to say "*sigh* he's just not getting it, time to start over".

yea, you could consider this a cry for help, but I think a more accurate way of describing it is, a cry of dissapoint in myself. just a week a go I sang, "just look at where I've come from, just look at where I'll be". In a sense the statement rings true, but I fear that i have come from nowhere, for I am still in the very same place I was a year ago, only altered slightly... so its not like i can learn from my mistakes of the past... its like I am a mistake.... and I have yet to get out of the past.

Wednesday night I'll face it. Come what may, I'll learn to praise Him. I just hope I haven't lost everything/one else besides Him.

so when you see me, speak with me, forgive me for pretending everything's fine. I am just delaying hell.

KAP

or download.

FOBMAN

or download.

visit the website at www.newtruetalent.org

yay for mangos.

yo taji, what up bro?
what up rico.
so whats up wit ya lady bro?
aw man, she thought i was young fool and dissed me cold.
and what you gonna do bout that taji?
yo, check this out!

i once knew a lady girl who was all so fine
and the only thing i wanted was to make her mine
i was all so sweet and all so kind
and like a man who's in love i was all so blind
the first time i saw her i became obsessed
and the only thing i wanted was her sweet caress
she had the prettiest eyes and the smoodest skin
but she left me on the outside trying to get in
- Blind Love, Seo Taji weh Idol

----
yay for seo taji and his boyz.

"so ill let my words be few.
Jesus I am so in love with You."
- Let My Words Be Few, Matt Redman

the smallgroup went out to dinner at Tony Roma's and got the all you can eat ribs deal...

the manager came out personally to comment on how she's never seen anyone eat so many ribs before...

her grandtotal based on the reciept is 160 bones total.
in reality it was around 140 because towards the end we didnt order full plates cuz we were getting full but still... hehe we ate a lot.

this is our reciept...



eat together. play together. pray together.

bringing it ol school.

"I want to know you more."
- In The Secret, Sonic Flood
----

when I talk about the future, I still catch myself saying 'when I grow up...'
I realized that, Im still always dreaming about the future, rather than living it in the present.

I found myself asking this today...
Do I need to improve in order to get to the next level, or do I need to get to the next level to improve?
I so deeply want to 'step it up', but I find myself stumbling so often. Through it all though, I'm so encouraged by everyone in the body, because they offer such real love.

If I want God to take me seriously, then I have to take Him seriously.
Wow. Ive messed up on that one huh? Im not gonna shrug it off this time though.
Monday morning is gonna be lived for Him. Then Tuesday. Then Wednesday. and so on...

I think the biggest thing I have been blessed with in my life, is Faith. Yes, at times I question, I 'wrestle' in a sense, and I contemplate, but I am always reaffirmed not with increasing doubt, but rather increasing conviction and trust in Him. I dont consider it to be blind, or brainwashed, or programmed, but rather obedient. I like to think that, I understand (to a degree) what it is all about. I dont mean to be cocky, and I want to keep a humble attitude, because I am far from obedient in so many aspects, but there is no other 'truth' out there that just makes so much sense.

----

face paint from Quadmania.


some of us freshman.

picnic time fun. yay.







here's the complete set.

a continuation of last entry.

---
Four Seasons Later

Lo-Fi
Hi-Fi
download

beat from: www.mp3.com/soleternity

sometimes i wish i knew a way to communicate with you/
but i can only imagine, what you would say or do/
its hard to face the truth but im doing it now/
im looking at the sky speaking to you in the clouds/
and truly no doubt, i know you would be proud/
cuz ya familys being strong and still moving about/
but regardless of this, a big part of you lives/
in ya lil girl's soul, in the heart of ya miss/

i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.

it happened so quick, being attacked on ya shift/
if only we knew it'd be the last day you live/
people kept talkn and saying, how tragic it is/
to have another life taken by a gat and a clip/
but they didnt know about all the people you've touched/
or how your love could have equaled so much/
but if you could say one thing i know what it'd be/
to your son, daughter and husband in grief/
its that love doesnt need, to be said or be heard/
and that love doesnt need to be confessed with the words/
it can be felt by the heart and the soul/
which are the parts that you hold as part of your own/
and the older they grow, their hearts hardly alone/
cuz you're still here as their gaurdian of hope/
and as far as we know, this is far from the end/
cuz you can all be together in heaven again/

i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.

i will go on...
with you always in my heart

although you're gone...
you're still always in my heart


i will go on...
with you always in my heart
----
RIP.

its about that time. be strong.
a dedication.

---

"I can only imagine what it will be like
when I walk by Your side...
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see
when Your Face is before me!
I can only imagine. I can only imagine.
Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine, when that day comes
and I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine, when all I will do
is forever, forever worship You!
I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

I can only imagine! Yeah!
I can only imagine!! Only imagine!!!
I can only imagine.

I can only imagine, when all I do is forever
forever worship You
I can only imagine."

- I Can Only Imagine, Mercy Me
---
Behind the Music: I Can Only Imagine

When my father died of cancer in 1991, he left me with the assurance that he was headed to a better place. He used to always tell me that I was getting the raw end of the deal because I had to stick around here. For several years following his death, I would find myself writing the phrase, I can only imagine, on anything I could find. That simple phrase would give me a peace and a hope thinking about what my dad was finally experiencing.

Years later, in 1999, MercyMe was writing songs for an independent project. I remember coming home from a show and being wide awake on our bus at 2 o'clock in the morning. I was trying to write lyrics in an old notebook of mine, when all of a sudden, I stumbled across that phrase. About ten minutes later, the song was written. Some people say it's amazing that it was written in ten minutes, when really it had been on my heart for almost ten years.

As a worship leader I am constantly wondering if the most precious times of worship here on earth, are even close to what we will experience in the Kingdom of God. I personally believe we are merely scraping the heavens here. I grew up in church and was taught to worship a certain way, but even still I wonder how I might react when the day comes and I physically lay eyes on Jesus. I bet there will be a lot of Southern Baptists that can't sit still, and a lot of Charismatics that are speechless.

- taken from MercyMe.org
---

this will stay, until that day.

sometimes i get so dissapointed in myself.
its so hard to remain pure sometimes. why is it the world is almost built to be anti-pure?
i know no one said it was gonna be easy, but damn i didnt know it would be this hard at times.

i gotta do what i gotta do to be a man of God. A man whom one day, my future wife will know that she can count on me to be someone whose heart is pure. brothers, sexual sin is a little pussy. it hits you when you are weakest, and tempts you when you are most vulnerable. fight it. even if you lose a few battles, win the war.

hah, what a world we live in. and i dont even face the worst of it. its still somewhat avoidable, just easily accessable. on the other hand, places like amsterdam in europe... unless your blind and deaf, you cant escape.

So keep my heart pure and my ways true
As I follow you
Keep me humble, I’ll stay mindful
Of your mercies, Lord
- Day After Day, Tim Hughes

let this be the brothers anthem. day after day we will seek to be His men. the only way we can succeed is through Grace and accountability.
Do You Have What It Takes?

sometimes i doubt myself, but i always realize that my failures are not a result of my lack of ability, simply a lack of effort.

Jerry.
Nate.
Micah.
Steve Kim.
Peter Chow.
Pete.
Albert.
Thomas.
Kory Campbell.
Rob Chase.
Jeff.
Ramiro.
Me.

we're in this together. we're taking over UMBC.

History Makers Making History: Spring Retreat 2003


im wild'n out.... for no apparant reason on the way to the retreat


some of the sisters


skit madness... dont even ask


hedgi showing off the funny id's we got


a bunch of the freshman sisters on the last night


summer being summer


chowing down... once again im making a face for no reason


all the peeps from my campus in the random snow we had that day

i am: sick and tired physically; pumped, excited, thankful in every other way

i think: that spring break was too short, but still very much appreciated.

i want: to live out my potential, to go all out

i kno: i have been neglectful

i have: so much yet so little, a paradox of wordliness versus godliness

i wish: i had awaken earlier so that i could be running harder now

i regret: a lot of things about HS, you could say I was a lot like Achan from Joshua 7

i love: having the things I do vindicated by the One and only

i hate: few things, but I am trying to adapt to being disgusted with all that is unpure.... do my MANLY BROTHERS HEAR ME?!?!?!

i miss: driving. i am refraining from pointing out people by name because I am surrending it all.

i fear: never being able to have the opportunity to MAKE HISTORY

i feel: like IM GONNA BE, A HISTORY MAKER IN THIS LAND

i think it's funny: that the dumbest things can be so humorous

i smell: sorry.... i do... its the result of a long wet day!

i crave: water, both the Living and natural type

i search: my heart and soul, it is the most important thing to know anyhow

i wonder: if I Have What It Takes!

i long: for eternal joy

i care: I do.

i always: resort to convenience

i believe: I do indeed.

i sing: my soul, my soul must sing!

i cry: whenever I am met, because I am so unworthy.

i do not always: know everything, despite my act.

i fight: for the ones You love, Yours sons and daughters

i win: *ding ding ding ding ding*

i lose: *BZZZZZZZZZ*

i can usually be found: acting goofy.

i am scared: I have nothing to fear but my own human doubt.

i need: continual support and encouragement from Him.

i am happy about: having something personal and powerful revealed to me last night.

i expect: nothing, I dont want to put it all in a box, or else I may miss something.

i trust: because I must.

** this wasnt too involving so I killed time -BUT- there is more to come

spring break is finally upon me. yay. hahaha.

anyhow i feel good, its monday morning and i usually wouldnt be up, but i am. i may take a nap later though heh, but either way i feel good.
Thank You ^^. However, i need to shower, and drink something... dunno why im wasting time writing all this down instead of doing it. I smell like yesterdays cologne, (im not a fan of 24 hour old cool water scent on me), and im kinda dehydrated. its nice to be home though. family is always comforting heh.

----
you know, He's really been protecting me, cuz my mind has been going into overdrive yet im not yearning for it. It's still hecka distracting though. I had a dream about everything last night, ive never dreamt about it before.... haha oh well it was an interesting dream to say the last, too bad ive forgotten most of it already... oh well
as hedgi says... "itch oh kaaaaaaaay". ^^

-1:39 AM THURSDAY-

hm, perhaps it would be most wise if i slept. harsh week. s'ok, it wakes me up and actually motivates me as much as it discourages me. kind of paradoxical in nature but oh well, human emotions are hard to interpret and predict anyhow. dang, this week aint over till its over. heh, the past few weeks have been filled with redundant sayings and the dumbest of humor. its kept me smiling though, and brought me and my brothers closer, so i cant complain.

crazy times, yet the wordly situations seem so distant. well i guess because it doesnt affect my calling at the moment. ill do whatever i do for Him and noone else.
----

i used to think crying(in the context of worship and prayer) was something rare and only happens at special times. like it was something hard to achieve or even surreal. but i find myself weeping almost everytime i engage with the Lord. its mind blowing to realize how powerful the spirit moves when I open my heart enough. thank You.

----

thanks to albee for the song. sorry i couldnt hit the notes and perform with you. steve will do a better job.

You are the reason
For blue in the sky
Yes, you are the reason why
Snow covers winter
And melts into Spring
And rivers meet the sea

God is here for you
And you were made for Him
He'll give you more of everything
Cause He has always loved you
His promises are true, so true
If you

Chorus:
Come as you are
Don't change a thing
Open your heart
He'll walk right in
Come as you are
No alibis
His love for you
Will never die

There is a heaven
Open your eyes
And there you have no disguise
He'll never leave you
No need to hide
He's always by your side

If you just believe
There is a way you'll see
It's just one step to eternity
And He will always love you
This promise will be true, so true
If you
-Come As You Are, Jaci Velasquez

----
lastly....

Carol Yu, if you're reading this
http://userpages.umbc.edu/~newt1/oaxaca.WMV [8.6 MB]
http://userpages.umbc.edu/~newt1/agape-dsl.WMV [4.2 MB]

those are the links to the two videos from last entry that you probably couldnt view cause of your internet connection. just right click and save. the first one is the more valuable one, if you can only download one, that's it.

and KT Sohn, if you are reading, im taking down the tasha song off my webspace soon, so i wanna make sure you get a heads up before you get a dead link on your xanga. ok? if you want the mp3 ill send it to you after lent is over and when you get back on AIM. stay strong to your comittment.

yay. late night update. tired after too much fun with my brothas. video fun fun.

many have seen this before. eh, its still cool to me.

----

when i first saw this, i was moved to tears. this was an incredibly moving video for me, i felt the spirit work. It was shown over winter break to introduce Agape's missions to Oaxaca Mexico this summer. it made me very nostalgilistic in terms of my missions experience two years ago in Arizona. That was such an awesome trip. Yet, at the same time I was also reminded of how unprepared I am to take on more serious roles in missions, but I know that I am definately willing. These years here at college will not be wasted. I want to be transformed in the likeliness of Him, so that I can go out and serve as well. I pray that soon enough I too, will feel the calling some of my other brothers and sisters have recieved that night.

sheer entertainment.

wayne brady is such a monster... why did they cancel his show!?

i find my self taking advantage of things that i have no right to. why is it so hard to reach true freedome?

"Lost and dirty yet You found me
Stained by sin but you have cleansed me
Can it be I'm precious in you sight?"
- Here am I a sinner free, Matt Redman

i am literally ashamed of myself. i dont know how i can turn away, and then when it comes time to it, act like ive done nothing wrong. I cant keep doing this. It's holding me back. It's not like i can just forget about it either. If I stray for just one second, its so easy to fall so far. Why did I choose to push it away this morning!? GAH. Look where I am.

---

Wow, I was so foolish back then. Too bad I didnt know. Heck, I wonder if it would have made a difference even if I did know. I'm not even safe when I sleep. Flashbacks continue to creep up in my mind, nudging and subtly shifting me the other way. That aint cool. I wonder if I'm alone on this one, or does it have an equal effect. Perhaps in the other case, there are 'moments' to replace the old ones. I dont want new moments though, it's just gonna screw with me even more in the future. I want to throw it all away. This is holding me back as well.

----

Doh. Maybe its the nice weather, I dunno. Maybe I'm just digging myself deeper into the hole. Heh, I dunno why i'm complaining, its so trivial its ridiculous. Still though, its kind of discomforting to find myself distracted at the most important times by this one person. I want SO MUCH to keep my eyes set on Him. I find it so stupid that as humans, if we dont have any real crisis, we have to create our own drama. screw that.

"Consuming fire, fan into flames
Lord have your way, Lord have your way..."
-Consuming Fire, Tim Hughes

"Im gonna lay it down now and I take this vow/
I wont be a punk that gets taken out!/
wont play it down, im gonna face it now/
troubles n struggles what faiths about/"

----
[edit]
one last thing i forgot. I was sitting in bed considering it last night, and today I guess it was reaffirmed... especially in the past few minutes. I'm still not exactly sure if you really know what's up but either way I owe you an apology. Cuz I am not in a place where I can judge you in this situation. I wish you the best, seriously though, whatever that may entitle you to. Even though you probably dont even know why I'm apologizing, or even if this is for you that's OK, because I kept this to myself anyways. But for the sake of friendship, I want to tell you that I had a wrongful mentality. I prejudged things from the very start, and even to this day am still trying to rid myself of these personal biases. I think I was just jealous with the possibility that you may have matured faster than I in certain areas where I always seemed to be helping you. Please forgive me.

the game of life is exhilarating. i dont think ive ever had that much fun on a board game. haha, mr jerry ta, what a fruitful decision.
and now ...out of sheer fatigue and resistance to sleep...

1.What is your name? Newt.

2. What color pants are you wearing? khaki.

3. What are you listening to right now? espn sportscenter in the background.

4. What are the last four digits of your phone number? uhm... depends...0432 is one of em.

5. What was the last thing you ate? bacon cheesburger, fries and some acidic-like grape soda.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? clear...that'd be kinda cool.

7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? wherever my wife wants.

8. How is the weather right now? its a crisp evening now at 1:23 am, filled with promise for the future.

9. Last person you talked to on the phone? Albee, just to get her to let me in her hall, but Jason and Joy in an actual conversation.

10. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their general mannerisms... such as the way they talk, act, and interact and so forth... out of these... i think the smile (if its a nice one) catches my attention the most.

11. Do you like the person that sent you this? Diana, so mature for her age, yet so childish at heart. what a blessing of a combination. Haha, the only senior/freshman i know.

13. Your favorite drink? a couple of those SoBe lizard drinks are pure quality. almost nectar like in character. and i had some tantalizing punch today at Will & Janette's wedding.

14. Your favorite alcoholic drink? not a drinker. dont see the point.

15. How do you eat an Oreo? the method depends on the emotional mood and level of hunger at the time of consumption.

16. Favorite sport: im not wonderfully talented at it, but soccer is what its about.

17. What's the next CD you're going to get? I wanna pick up As One 3jib when it comes out but i'm not heavily considering anything in particular.

18. Hair color: black. well technically dark dark brown.

19. Eye Color: same as my hair color.

21. Siblings and their ages? yea, younger sister... at the crazy age of 15

22. favorite month? it doesnt matter.

23. Favorite food? *shrugs* what's good is good.

24. Last movie you watched? I watched MI:2 last week, not for hte first time mind you, but just for some classic john woo action.

25. Favorite day of the year? whenever I know that by the end of the day, I've lived it for Him. it doesnt happen as often as i would like it too :(

26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes, and no. Now I am, but it doesnt matter, because I'm not in a position where I am ready to date anyhow. But when I feel God leading me to that girl, whomever it may be, who am i to disobey Him? ^^

27. Do you like scary or happy movies better? Find me a movie that scares me, and I'll let you know. Dont say The Ring was scary either, cuz it wasnt... slightly thrilling perhaps, maybe even surprising at times, but not scary. So for now, Happy movies win by default.

28. Summer or Winter? im tempted to say Summer just because she's such a funny older sister in Christ to have, but in context to the question, I'd say winter just because I think its more beautiful and peaceful. Im starting to get sick of snow though.

29. Hugs or Kisses? depends on the situation... hugs are generally more comforting and more than just physical affection. I think that's more powerful and comforting.

31. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla, dont usually mess with straight up chocolate products.

32. Do you want your friends to write back? nah, not in particular. I dont like reading 1000's emails at once hehe. I dont mind reading them on their own blog pages though, cuz then it just feels more leisurely.

33. Who is most likely to respond? n/a

34. Who's least likely to respond? n/a

35. Living arrangements? In a dorm room with a roomate. He's cool enough though.

36. What books are you reading? As in for leisure? nothing really. I should get cracking on that Ragmuffin Gospel book though. Darn this lazyiness.

37. What's on your mouse pad? I'm not rocking one. Its straight up mouse to desk.

38. Favorite board game? as of tonite. Life. The game is kinda weak, but with the right people.... its exhilarting. Dont believe me? Fine. My head still hurts from laughing so much hehe.

40. Favorite smells? it used to be the way some girls hair smells just when they are close to you. but as i've started to move away from that kind of mentality... id have to say its without a doubt the smell of a light breeze on a nice day. Windows down, music up, driving around. DANG IT, i miss driving.

41. Least favorite smell? hm, in general, I cant stand the smell of drunk people. Unfortunately its sometimes unavoidable being on a college campus. Also, this KMX energy drink smells and tastes absolutely vile. Sickening really.

42. Favorite sound? Praise. As one. Its so comforting when I can close my eyes, and listen to an entire body of christ lifting up His name.

43. Worst feeling in the world? truly admitting how far I have strayed from Him at times. It just hurts.

44. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? DOH. sleep time's over.

45. Favorite color? Blue. Baby/Sky Blue to be exact. As Carol watched on as she looked at my pillow and bed sheets, then as i tossed my two hats unto my bad, she exclaimed... "dont you think this is a bit much?" nope :-)

46. How many rings before you answer the phone? whenever I can get to it, I get to it.

51. What's under your bed? my computer system, my desk, a lamp, my schedule and a note of encouragement from some wonderful freshman sisters, and some school books. probably sounds crazy to those who have not seen my room. eh.

53. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? Always so ready to love others. Not afraid to proclaim who you are living this life for. Even as someone who is a year younger than me, I feel like you're so much more mature than me in every area where it counts. Continue to grow and run for Him ok?

54. What CD or tape do you have in your stereo? I dont have a stereo here at school, just my computer and trusty personal cd player. But I'm rocking mountain brothers : triple crown in the cd player. MB's are baaaaaack!!!

55. Favorite TV shows? Friends, Simpsons and Malcolm in the middle. And I think Whose line is it anyway is such an awesome show as well. can't beat the improv.

*Bonus Question: How long did this take you to complete? 20 minutes? doesnt matter I wasnt counting.

doh... no more questions... its ok, at least this survey didnt have stupid ones.

----
beautiful one. I love you.
beautiful one. I adore.
beautiful one, my soul, must sing!.
-Beautiful One, Tim Hughes

*shrugs* i couldnt think of a song to match the direction of today's entry. oh well... yesterday's song of the day'll have to do.
it just matched yesterday's beautiful weather vibe.

"Cause I see the sky now and the birds are singing and the clouds are
dancing with 'em too. peacefully now.
Fly all day I wanna go away there with you far away.
Cause me and you babe theres no one block in up the road
make our way and I'll do it my own way

Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright

You said once and when the time is right we'll set a rule officially now
and then make a pack eternally and I will trust you
Because I love you. yes I do
cause it's provin' you know what we are look in for
till that day we'll just have to pray pray pray and pray

Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright

Cause me and you babe there's no one blocking up the road
make away I'll do it my own my own way.

Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright

Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright"
- Because I Love You, T & Bobby Kim

----
In the middle of the night last night, on impulse i decided im gonna give some things up and make some changes.

Jotted Down : no longer exists... it is no longer my mc name, and in due time, no longer the name of this page.
MajaFlavaz : im going to ween myself off of this. its had its run. Maja will AIM no more.

email will remain the same for now... ill prob change that in due time as well. so i can be reached there.

ok? ok.

man, ive had SUCH an awesome start to this week. im so foolish for being so lazy... just getting up a lil earlier to start off my day with Him really sets an awesome pace for the rest of my day.

im killing time before small group, hopefully it'll be another awesome encounter!

----

picture fun.


-after church yesterday

----

education. (gotta wait for it to load before you click play)

----

THANK YOU

Jesus you are and will always be
Beautiful and lovely to me
You gave your life and shed your blood for me
Heaven came down to reveal your love

Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
For you have won my heart

Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
From the deepest places of my heart

-thank you, jeff searles

i realized last night, that i need God in my life. Its gotten to that point, where I realize I cant be happy unless i have him. Due to circumstances as well as my own laziness, ive really been neglecting the spiritual side of my life. I just havent been taking any intiatives in meeting with Him. I didnt realize it, but its affected my temperment, my moods, and my overall mentality. Ive just had a general sense of dissatisfaction, but I didnt know why. I feel so stupid for not realizing the truth. It hurt to realize that I could be so blind. I need to engage deeper with God, because its the only way things rae going to change.

---

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh, but I will give You my songs
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pains
And with it You are pulling me closer
Pulling me into Your ways

Now ‘round every corners, and up every mountains
I am not looking for crowns or the water from fountains
I am desperately seeking and frantic believing
That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing,
And I will say to You

It’s gonna be worth it. It’s gonna be worth it.
It’s gonna be worth it all. I believe.

You're gonna be worth it. You're gonna be worth it.
You're gonna be worth it all.
- Worth it All, Rita Springer

The spirit was moving last night, and this song touched me. When i dont feel like it anymore, I gotta remember that in the end, its gonna be worth it.

-Waiting on Your Love, Justin McRoberts

----
im being owned in physics
im being owned in terms of resistance
im being owned by a lack of will power.



in some aspects, i feel better about certain things that were bugging me.
but i still feel like im wasting way too much of my time instead of taking care of business like i should be.
i think im gonna have to rearrange a lot more about myself before any remarkable change takes place.
i just need help in general.

----

on a postive note, i actually purchased a cd a couple days ago...
ok and i downloaded 3 others, but uhm... the korean music industry doesnt need my support... at least i hope not ...
but i cant wait for the one i bought... the mountain brothers are so ill.

but the website i bought it from looks so shady.

s'all good, as long as i get it^^

for the first time in.... well basically ever... im really on a 'rock' tip.

Oh, here you are
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me, I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to grey

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own
On my own
- Long Way Down (remix), Goo Goo Dolls

it starts NOW [10:00:00 PM 2-23-03]

[edit]
eh... false start... for real this time. ... it starts.... NOW [7:19:00PM 2-24-03]

this small world thing is getting out of hand.

go to anyone xanga's page. click on a random name on their buddy list. if they dont have a buddy list, click on random if they are in a blog ring, if they dont have that either, just press back and choose another name from the previous page. repeat this procedure. you will undoubtly run into someone you know, family, a friend, a family friend, ex girlfriend, bitter enemy, old best friend, i dunno, just someone whom you have a connection with. Ok, you may say, sure of course you will, because all these friends are in a general circle so they are on one another's buddy lists. Well, let me tell you, you will probably end up going to people's xanga's who live in Cali, Hawaii, somewhere obscure in Asia, Minnasota, as long as you keep clicking. And you will probably find someone you know in some distant place that you never would have thought you would find. There are exceptions however. Once I got stuck in this crazy circle of Boston friends... i couldnt get out of Boston. The other thing ive noticed is... as you do this, you will be able to count the number of people who are NOT asian on xanga, one one hand. its rediculous. Xanga = asian connection.

the other internet thing ive realized is... go to findapix.com. Ok, now go to any random person on the left, and do the same thing as above, just click on random buddy's in people's list. In this case you may never see someone you know since this site seems to be more of a westcoast phenomenon, BUT I gaurentee 95% or more of the people's pages you find will be asian. Do asian's just spend too much time on the internet? HAH. I think they do, after all.... that's how i realized everything ive just said... but surfing the internet. Darn snow days, leaving me with limited things to do. Anyhow, i've also realized, that in general, there seem to be two types of asian girls who like to post their pictures all over the internet. Dont hate on me for generalizing, because im doing just that, makign a general rule, exceptions are of course existant. But first, there are the VERY ATTRACTIVE, but... somewhat raunchy, kind of unwholesome girls who each act pretty similar. (BTW, by attractive i mean only physically, some of the thigns they say, and the way they act in some of hte pictures... is a pretty big turn off, but eh haha it really doesnt matter) Many have similar style of sn's and put up similar things in their info and generally take the SAME webcam pics... haha oh well, they are still eye candy. its just kind of disturbing how cookie cutter some have become. *hm, side thought, i wonder if anyone considers me cookie cutter, eh oh well.* the other type seems to be...... actually nevermind, im not goign to say anything about the other type. its pointless anyways, this whole post was pointless.

-edit-
http://www.stephernay.com/seotaiji.mpeg
this is fun. how times have changed, yet how timeless this song is. the video on the other hand, is rather hideous, but the music still shines