.fin.

thanks to those who read through it all.
perhaps ill be around in some other medium.

three years. wow, time has passed.
RIP Mrs. Nancy Cho.
4-15-02

Click to Play

sometimes i wish i knew a way to communicate with you/
but i can only imagine, what you would say or do/
its hard to face the truth but im doing it now/
im looking at the sky speaking to you in the clouds/
and truly no doubt, i know you would be proud/
cuz ya familys being strong and still moving about/
but regardless of this, a big part of you lives/
in ya lil girl's soul, in the heart of ya miss/

i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.


it happened so quick, being attacked on ya shift/
if only we knew it'd be the last day you live/
people kept talkn and saying, how tragic it is/
to have another life taken by a gat and a clip/
but they didnt know about all the people you've touched/
or how your love could have equaled so much/
but if you could say one thing i know what it'd be/
to your son, daughter and husband in grief/
its that love doesnt need, to be said or be heard/
and that love doesnt need to be confessed with the words/
it can be felt by the heart and the soul/
which are the parts that you hold as part of your own/
and the older they grow, their hearts hardly alone/
cuz you're still here as their gaurdian of hope/
and as far as we know, this is far from the end/
cuz you can all be together in heaven again/


i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.


i will go on...
with you always in my heart


although you're gone...
you're still always in my heart


i will go on...
with you always in my heart

a new direction.
1+1=1

[edit]

---

something cool

good music.

"[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow"
- Ordinary People, John Legend

This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence, the least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

-Even When, Seven Places

i'm trying. i'm really trying.

i'm so uncertain.
i'm scared.
i need to face the music but I think what is holding me back is the fact that i'm not the only one affected. I cant do it again. I just cant. I've wasted so much time, so much money, so much ... everything. I sit here confused, saddened, and hurt. Oh yes, you can probably throw bitter in there too. Jealous as well. I dont know what to do anymore.

How could I have been so foolish? So reckless? Where do I go from here? The past month I've fallen into a deep abyss of blackness. I sit here shaking my head as I type, and all I can think is that I'm looking for the answer to a question I dont even know. I just want to do things right. I'm so tired of... of doing things my way and fooling myself into thinking that it is right. I am eating the very piles of bull i've been putting down for the past i dont know how many years. If i could opt to go to bed and not wake up, sometimes, just sometimes I think i would.

too many things are swirling in my head for me to pinpoint them and figure out what to do. Im not sure if this is a consequence of my recklessness catching up to me or if this is God's way of bringing me to my knees in submission because he knows I cant handle all of this. There are so many questions, grudges, and worries that are taking up my mind that the ONLY time i've found 'peace' is when i sleep and even that is being taken away from me once in a while. It's something I cant ignore for much longer.

right now i feel worthless. a failure.
get this. a true phony. yea.

i hate this.