i realized last night, that i need God in my life. Its gotten to that point, where I realize I cant be happy unless i have him. Due to circumstances as well as my own laziness, ive really been neglecting the spiritual side of my life. I just havent been taking any intiatives in meeting with Him. I didnt realize it, but its affected my temperment, my moods, and my overall mentality. Ive just had a general sense of dissatisfaction, but I didnt know why. I feel so stupid for not realizing the truth. It hurt to realize that I could be so blind. I need to engage deeper with God, because its the only way things rae going to change.

---

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh, but I will give You my songs
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pains
And with it You are pulling me closer
Pulling me into Your ways

Now ‘round every corners, and up every mountains
I am not looking for crowns or the water from fountains
I am desperately seeking and frantic believing
That the sight of Your face is all that I’m needing,
And I will say to You

It’s gonna be worth it. It’s gonna be worth it.
It’s gonna be worth it all. I believe.

You're gonna be worth it. You're gonna be worth it.
You're gonna be worth it all.
- Worth it All, Rita Springer

The spirit was moving last night, and this song touched me. When i dont feel like it anymore, I gotta remember that in the end, its gonna be worth it.

-Waiting on Your Love, Justin McRoberts

----
im being owned in physics
im being owned in terms of resistance
im being owned by a lack of will power.



in some aspects, i feel better about certain things that were bugging me.
but i still feel like im wasting way too much of my time instead of taking care of business like i should be.
i think im gonna have to rearrange a lot more about myself before any remarkable change takes place.
i just need help in general.

----

on a postive note, i actually purchased a cd a couple days ago...
ok and i downloaded 3 others, but uhm... the korean music industry doesnt need my support... at least i hope not ...
but i cant wait for the one i bought... the mountain brothers are so ill.

but the website i bought it from looks so shady.

s'all good, as long as i get it^^

for the first time in.... well basically ever... im really on a 'rock' tip.

Oh, here you are
There's nothing left to say
You're not supposed to be that way
Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?

Touch me now and I don't care
When you take me, I'm not there
Almost human, but I'll never be the same

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
You're not supposed to be that way
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say

Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you real?
Cut me off before it kills me

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own

I never put you down
I never pushed you away
Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world never fades to grey

Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on my own
On my own
On my own
- Long Way Down (remix), Goo Goo Dolls

it starts NOW [10:00:00 PM 2-23-03]

[edit]
eh... false start... for real this time. ... it starts.... NOW [7:19:00PM 2-24-03]

this small world thing is getting out of hand.

go to anyone xanga's page. click on a random name on their buddy list. if they dont have a buddy list, click on random if they are in a blog ring, if they dont have that either, just press back and choose another name from the previous page. repeat this procedure. you will undoubtly run into someone you know, family, a friend, a family friend, ex girlfriend, bitter enemy, old best friend, i dunno, just someone whom you have a connection with. Ok, you may say, sure of course you will, because all these friends are in a general circle so they are on one another's buddy lists. Well, let me tell you, you will probably end up going to people's xanga's who live in Cali, Hawaii, somewhere obscure in Asia, Minnasota, as long as you keep clicking. And you will probably find someone you know in some distant place that you never would have thought you would find. There are exceptions however. Once I got stuck in this crazy circle of Boston friends... i couldnt get out of Boston. The other thing ive noticed is... as you do this, you will be able to count the number of people who are NOT asian on xanga, one one hand. its rediculous. Xanga = asian connection.

the other internet thing ive realized is... go to findapix.com. Ok, now go to any random person on the left, and do the same thing as above, just click on random buddy's in people's list. In this case you may never see someone you know since this site seems to be more of a westcoast phenomenon, BUT I gaurentee 95% or more of the people's pages you find will be asian. Do asian's just spend too much time on the internet? HAH. I think they do, after all.... that's how i realized everything ive just said... but surfing the internet. Darn snow days, leaving me with limited things to do. Anyhow, i've also realized, that in general, there seem to be two types of asian girls who like to post their pictures all over the internet. Dont hate on me for generalizing, because im doing just that, makign a general rule, exceptions are of course existant. But first, there are the VERY ATTRACTIVE, but... somewhat raunchy, kind of unwholesome girls who each act pretty similar. (BTW, by attractive i mean only physically, some of the thigns they say, and the way they act in some of hte pictures... is a pretty big turn off, but eh haha it really doesnt matter) Many have similar style of sn's and put up similar things in their info and generally take the SAME webcam pics... haha oh well, they are still eye candy. its just kind of disturbing how cookie cutter some have become. *hm, side thought, i wonder if anyone considers me cookie cutter, eh oh well.* the other type seems to be...... actually nevermind, im not goign to say anything about the other type. its pointless anyways, this whole post was pointless.

-edit-
http://www.stephernay.com/seotaiji.mpeg
this is fun. how times have changed, yet how timeless this song is. the video on the other hand, is rather hideous, but the music still shines

you know, i had another strange dream. well more like my overactive imagination going into high gear as i lay there idle in bed as the sisters remained glued to the tv screen watching 'my best friends wedding'. so i guess you could say I was daydreaming, just during the night, cuz i wasnt really asleep. I was still fully aware and I knew that my head was making all this stuff up for no reason, but i just let it happen, to lazy and tired to stop it.

in this 'dream', i was doing exactly what i was doing at that moment, laying in my bed with my eyes closed, waiting till i fell asleep, then the phone rang. somehow i picked it up without getting up... even though its impossible if you've seen my room, but its my dream so what haha. I say 'hello', and you're on the other side of the line. I was kind of taken back, because we never talk on the phone, well its rare, and for a while now, we rarely talk at all. my mind quickly thinks about how i've probably taken you off and put you back on my buddy list so many times that its retarded. i dunno, i guess i find it comforting to see you're screenname online, just to remember that you're still there, but i dont really want to talk to you. eh im weird like that sometimes. anyways, you dont even reply with a hello. you sound troubled, you say some things, and i misguidingly ask 'what's this about?'. Even though i clearly knew, i guess I just wanted to hear you say it. after this... im not sure what happened. Maybe it was the distraction of the sisters laughing at the movie, the movie itself, or me refusing to finish it, but i just didnt. i just let my mind wander onto other subjects.

gah, too much snow + too much time to think + hanging out with the sisters + their movie selections = weird moods. i need joe & micah back around to pump some testosterone back in me. so i can start watching movies like predator, and play games like grand theft auto all over again. mushyiness is blah.

well, this is an actual dream rather than daydream that i had last night. well mroe like early this morning cuz i woke up shortly after. in one part i was over at my friends house in my neighborhood, which is strange already cuz this friend doesnt even live in my neighborhood, in fact, not even close. and i think i was walking to the bus stop or something, like when i was in high school, i dont know why. and i was just in the driveway of my friends house. i wasnt actually there to chill, just on my way i saw my friend and we stopped to chat. then you drove by. i saw your car in the corner of my eye, and you pulled up to the curb. we must have been in britain or japan or something cuz you were driving on the right side of the car, like how they do over there. you stopped for just a mere second, slid the window down, and just kinda smiled, looked at us, then left without a word. my friend and i were both like 'wtf!?' she didnt even say hi.... but then i think the dream changed and i woke up a short time later.

anyone who thinks they are like 'daniel' from the bible and can interpret these dreams, give it a shot, cuz it surely doesnt make sense to me.

well anyhow, i just deleted the screenname again. hopefully for good for a while. thoughts are passing in my head to take ya off my cell too, but i dunno. for some reason i keep thinking, no that's too harsh. even though in reality you'd prob never know. whatever, ill keep it there for now.

----
gah, i just found out that all of us brothers gotta shovel out the sisters cars for tonite -_-;
i thought as long as i was away from i wouldnt have to shovel, i guess i was wrong. its ok though, cuz its going to be an awesome worship celebration tonite ^^
---

picture time!

'the huxtables' ... our family name from game night... dont ask haha.
leonora, rebecca, ablee, me, pete in the back, ibina, hedgi


'the bradys'
back row: jerry, kory, nate, jeff, micah
front row: summer, carol, tina, tiffany


'the tanners'
michelle, larni, thomas (in the back), summer, steve (in the back), diana
... i dunno how summer got in two family pictures haha


hedgi hiding behind a camara, me hiding behind hedgi (hiding from michelle and her camara happy self)


uhm... yea


albee teaching leonora guitar in my room as i sneak webcam pictures hehehe.


a lot of us.


Hedgi and Tina.... doing what they gotta do. hahahahah.


summer and hedgi.... doing what they gotta do....... (the older sisters... are unique to say the least)



several of the pictures are here courtesy of michelle kang.
----

last but not least...

one more video of my lovely wife doing her thang.

the lord wants me to be patient... so im doing the best i can.

if the snow calms down, i want to be out there....
but i cant fully decide whether i wanna be there by myself or not.
actually... i dont wanna just be out in the snow, i want to go ice skating, but definately not alone for that one...

or in the rain... on a summer night.. just be in the rain... either in solitude and silence, or in an engaging conversation. funny how i want both huh? it just seems... relaxing. well... i take that back, more like an oddly comforting thought. shouldnt be tryna look there for comfort though.

when i look into the future... there are times when i directly see a face, a recognizable, warm face. but at other times, it seems more blurry, like i cant fully make it out. i doubt id be too dissapointed if the faces dont match when i get there, but for now, im kind of hoping for what's familiar.

this week is gonna be different, im gonna do what i can to take it one step at a time. each time i stumble i get more and more discouraged... sometimes to the point where im just apathetic. its hard to succeed in areas where you've forgotten what succeeding feels like.

i feel really uncomfortable whenever i have this dream. well its not the same dream, just variances one a certain subject. it kind of bugs me how even though its been quite a while, there are some things that i cant fully leave behind, its been engraved into my memories. they arent necessarily bad memories, but they are really getting in the way sometimes. it was my fault though, for indulging in things that i didnt understand.

hmm, i dont mean to dwell on drama, but i guess it was kind of unavoidable being snowed in while avoiding the clawing grasp of my school work. oh well, off to better things... maybe a lil bit of physics, and perhaps some praise.

for all sisters in general...

right click and save please.

----

for all the sisters of umbc agape.

or if your internet isnt fast enough...

right click and save

happy valentines day everyone.

my mother always said, ladies first/
so im gonna take the chance to say these words/
listen to this track as i lay this verse/
cuz you know, this is my best way to serve/
today is yours! go on and seize the day/
im glad i met you all, i do believe its fate/
at times i wonder, how can you be this great/
but i realize, its cuz you keep the faith/
so i need to say, everytime i see ya pictures/
i know, deep down, that im thankful for my sisters/
maybe you wanted, cards, flowers and choclates/
but dag gone it, i got no money in my pockets/
then a thought hit, ill take a beat and rock it/
to let ya know, that im not completely thoughtless/
im really being honest, im glad to finally say/
to all the sisters, happy valentines day!/

Congratulations Everyone!

Ms Irene Choi - College Park
Ms Soyoung Lee - College Park
Mr Jiheon Kim - College Park
Ms Chimee Song - Chicago

-[edit]-
Mr Jeremy Choi - Baltimore County (OH YEA)
Mr Eli Choi - College of Montgomery

if you have gotten into a college, lemme know! ill add you on the list!

a lil something to listen to while you read. a remake of of 'waiting for you' done by a member of tae-hwan.com

-or-

im not sure who the composer is... possibly yuri herself, but either way this track can be found on her album.

both are good listens... your choice..

----

ultimately, its easy to go through the day busy. sure it may be hectic, confusing, frustrating, even undesired at times but in the end it serves as a distraction. i was gonna try to say everything in a poetic form, but nah, not today, that's now how i want to be expressed. im not sure what exactly i have to say, but whatever it is, it is not deserving of an elegant form of prose or execution. simply put, this wasnt meant to be easy. I understand this of course, which is why im not angry. But as it has been stated so many times before, the mind and spirit is strong, but the body and flesh is weak.

solitude is scary sometimes. It allows you to analyze everything because you have nothing else to draw you away from your thoughts. While clearly, there are those who take advantage of this time to reflect, others simply never recognize that they are living without thinking some things through. There are also the extremes however, those who dwell in singularity, becase that is all that is familiar to them. It kind of makes me angry to see certain individuals close to me act in such a foolish way, when we both know that they are more experienced and knowledgable then that. human interactions however, are interesting in that, we often choose to ignore the better paths. I realize that, THAT single statement can apply to so much. Self deception has got to be one of the worst things someone can do. Not to say it is a crime against mankind, or anything extreme as that. But generally, they are misleading them selves, all for the sake of contentness. Of course I've done this, im not even going to question that, in fact every single day I find myself coming in and out of this rediculous mindstate. Our abilities to rationalize have just become so disturbingly influential in our critical thinking processes that its almost become one with our mentalities; almost to the point where it is hard to distinguish when we are excusing ourselves and we arent.

For me, my main problem is not owning up to the truth when it comes to my overall attitude. In my state of mind, there is always a 'later' to fix things, study, or prepare, pray, help, love and so on. But that is changing. Some things need to happen when they need to happen, and I need to recognize when I am fooling myself into a false state of contentness. As time goes on, I believe I am improving, but... its a long way to go.

There are others though, for whom I am genuinly concerned. I see your pictures, and you are smiling, while at the same time... when you are alone, are you? No one is happy all the time, yes I know, but are you supposed to be unhappy everytime no one is there to see a smile? It seems that way for some people. Not to say they are seeking comfort in popularity, but it is apparant they are only letting themselves be distracted from the deeper problems when they have people around them. The one thing Ive learned in the past year or so is, you can only run for so long. Can I ask us all something? Why are we in this/doing it/living for? This world is not going to keep us happy.

so now what?
-dag, that went in a completely different direction than i thought it was gonna go in the beginning-

----
other thoughts:
sometimes, its just so hard to forget about it and let it be. this is kind of taking abnormally long, its never been this long before.
*shrugs*
take care ok?

quick update...

PLAY.

pics for fun.