these are excerpts from one of my favorite songs... Honest Expression

Ultimately, martial art means honestly expressing yourself...
it is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky,
or I could show you some really fancy movement...
But to express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself,
and to express myslef honestly...
Now that, my friend is very hard to do.

- Bruce Lee

I ain't the kinda guy who carry on for dough
The material cat who walk around for show
I'm just your everyday, merry way joe on the go
While others go with the flow
I ain't never been the one to follow trend, I do my own bit
Can't keep up with the joneses, I'm on my own shit

These lames run around like mice in a maze
Tryin' to get up on cheese, its just a rat race
Wanna change times' schemes to make man worship things
Over the supreme being, or stop, fill up?
Should I join the hypocrites?
Or side with the suckas by choice
It makes no difference that y'all product of environment
It's just coincidence

I ain't hardcore, I don't pack a 9 millimeter
Most of y'all gangster rappers ain't hardcore neither
Whoever get mad then I'm talkin 'bout you
Claim you fear no man but never walk without crew

Rhyme after rhyme it's the same topic
What make you think you hardcore cuz you was raised in the projects
Broke ass finally got a hundred in your pocket
Now you on the mic spittin' money's no object
What you say is bullcrap
If you wasn't with your crew and wasn't drunk off the brew
Would you still pull gats?
You need to stop frontin'
Or you're headed for self destruction

I'm talkin 'bout the one too many ignorant suckas
Lyin' on the mic to my sistas and brothas
Everytime you listen to the radio, all you hear is nonsense
They never play the bomb shit
Everything that glitters ain't gold
And every gold record don't glitter that's for damn sure

How many cats you know speak the illegit rhyme after rhyme diligent?
85 percent represent ignorant
Either you innocent or guilty
Some of my favorite emcees fell off
It damn near killed me
Lookin' at the kids that was true hip-hop
Nowadays them cats don't even do hip-hop

Seein real emcees tryin' to imitate rappers
If you ask me they goin' out ass backwards
Tradin' in respect to push a fat Lex
Puff rhymin' on the remix, what's next?

This is dedicated to you hip-hop hypocrites
Drivin wack songs like you don't give a shit
I ain't got nothin' against nobody tryin' to make a decent living
It ain't the money that's the issue
Only if that's the reason why these cats are makin' decent music
That's when I got beef with you
And I'ma break it you like never
Go ahead, call me player hater if it make you feel better
----

hip hop's becoming a way of life for me, not so much the cultural aspects but its the most genuine way i can represent myself now.

----
eh i havnt done one of these in a while^^
screw it im skipping the stupid ones

.1. full name: NVS (envious)... whoa...
.2. nicknames: newt, newty
.3. named after anyone: Isaac, Van Gogh
.12. religion.church: christianity, AMC
.29. living arrangements: dorming at umbc
.30. hobbies: lyricism... sleeping
.31. school: UMBC
.32. school colors: black and gold
.33. school mascot: retrieves (shudders)
.34. GPA: none as of yet


-:- friends -:-
.37. friends [girls]: i avoid them, or else id be crushing on all of them
.38. friends [boys]: agape brothers^^
.39.best friend: questionable.... time changes things
.48. closest: once again, time changes things...
.54. most hyper: kristina... she lives on my floor... she defines bubbly
.56. loudest: kristina once again
.57. friend you trust the most: steve khang
.58. friend you chill wit the most: all agape brothas!
.61. newest friend: too many to name...

-:- crush -:-
.62. got a GF/BF: nope
.67. crush: thankgod no one
.68. the person you wanna date: i kissed dating goodbye
.69.what do you look 4 in a guy/grl: a god centered life
.70. what do you notice when you first meet them: smile, general behavior
.71. biggest turn on: beautiful smile and voice
.72. biggest turn off: raunchiness (cussing, smoking, premescuity, etc)
.73. longest relationship: 11 months
.74. who: cat
.75. shortest relationship: 11 months
.76. who: cat

-:- first that comes to mind as a positive or favorite -:-
.80. song: Binary Star - Honest Expression
.82. car: nissan Z
.85. animal: flying squirrel
.87. tv show: the real world, its addicting
.92. word: shiznit
.96. cologne/perfume: whatever makes a girl smell good is fine by me
.99. drink: oh god i miss bubble tea
.100. store: radio shack so i can buy myself a mic

-:- future -:-
.106. job: im not sure
.107. marriage: yes, god willing of course
.108. to: TBA

-:- past -:-
.114. go back to anywhere, where would you go: begginning of high school so i could get it right
.115. least favorite memory: hahaha its posted somewhere in the depths of kp love and dating forum
.119. thing you most regret: being selfish
.120. favorite memory: everytime i encounter God

-:- have you ever -:-
.122. kissed someone: yes
.124. got D~hall: on numerous occasions
.127. betrayed a friend: to some degree yes
.128. used someone: probably...
.130. lied to your parents: yea... big ones too
.132. got lost in a store: hahaha as a kid yes
.133. got kicked out of a place: almost
.135. drove a car: OH MY GOD I MISS DRIVING
.137. broken a bone: my TOE

-:- 1st thing u think of -:-
.139. George W. Bush: kindergarten
.140. rubber: hahaha condoms
.141. wet: shower
.142. big boy: hungry man
.143. candy: too sweet
.144. boys: guys
.145. love: the most misinterpreted, misunderstood and misused emotion
.146. girls: yummy.... doh!
.150. quality time: i should study, i should do QT
.153. God: for he is good, his love endures forever
.155. pie: american
.157. grease: umbc food
.159. bubba: boboa...bubble tea....

-:- which one -:-
.163. girl/chick: girl
.166. sweet/sour: sweetandsour chicken!
.169. hot/cute: cute > hot

-:- more questions -:-
.170. biggest fear: rejecting god
.171. worst feeling in the world: realizing one's sin
.172. greatest feeling: feeling the burden of sin lifted off myself
.173. hardest thing you've ever done: ignore emotions
.175. goals: be a history maker
.176. how big is your bed: very small...dorm bed

im just wasting time hahahaha

God's been good to me, very good in fact. something is stirring within me, slowly but surely i am making steps, after years of standing still.Ive always wanted to walk, but never did I realize how powerless I am, how weak I am, how unable I am to take those steps to be the true man in which God wants me to be. All I can say is that I am truly grateful. God, you've picked me up everytime I have fallen, everytime I have felt like I have messed up totally you provide a way for me to stand up once again. I continue to make promises that now that I am up I will walk, but i dont seem to be able to. I apologize. You've been to faithful while I have faithfully been unfaithful. Its one thing to acknowledge you and acredit you, but to love is to obey. God, PLEASE, do not let me fall again, do not let me stray. I will follow you to the best of my abilities, but please help compensate for what I cannot do. Thank you, I will always bring you praise, for you have won my heart.

----

thank you carol^^ and everyone else who gave me warm wishes on my bday a couple days ago, ive been blessed to have people like you influence my life.
----
when the world says lifes too hard, so forfeit, its hard to ignore it/
its like its hardly worth it, things are dirty, even partly morbid /
all this sins spinning around ya like they all are in orbit/
are you no longer for it? then lets turn back to a heart of worship/
----
pt.2
but then things started to change, now its hardly the same/
my life was like a pendant necklace, saw my heart on a chain/
i no longer wanted to play a part in the game, it was too hard to remain/
i was lost at sea, but like moses, God parted a way/
i admit it was harder to say, goodbye and then truly mean it/
it was hard to believe it, i wanted love but all for stupid reasons/
i was wishing for your love but hardly knew its meaning/
like hoping to hit the lottery it was all just useless dreaming!/
to be continued...

ack, everyone seems to be switching over to this xanga nonsense.... jiheon, lily... you are and forever will be marked as traitors to the BLOGGER NETWORK!
hmmm... its ok tho... you guys just arent cool enough to use the powerful resources of the BLOG!

-----
"Thank You"
by: Jeff Searles

Jesus You are and will always be
beautiful and lovely to me
You gave Your life, shed Your blood for me
heaven came down to reveal Your love

Thank You, thank You,
I will always bring You praise
For You have won my heart

Thank You, thank You,
I will always bring You praise
From the deepest places of my heart
----
*note to self*
...its all about the subtleties... hehe how many people are gonna remember?

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to


I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

-goodbye to you by Michelle Branch
(newts edit)

...
i crossed out the parts i didnt like/ that didnt apply/ or didnt fully apply

lets just say im taking steps in leaving behind more distractions.

----
'let us praise like we've never praised before'

I am blessed. I am loved. I am fortunate. I am happy ^^.
why?
because I know that Jesus is the rock on which i stand ^^ !

perhaps i'm wrong.
the only justification that i've been going on is the fact that i am convicted in my views. the funny thing about convictions, i realized, is that you can be convicted about the wrong thing, but still believe you are right. and when we say we are right, we mean we are the ones who have the truth. if truth is to be exclusive, meaning there can only be one truth, one ultimate, underlying truth, then that means one of us has to be wrong.

when i think about it, i begin to hope more and more that i am the wrong one. Because if I am, then there is no harm down, i just simply have to adjust some of my beliefs, or even just reevaluate the ones I have and try to figure out whether or not I misinterpreted things. That won't be so hard. If you are wrong, you're going to get hurt. I dont want you to get hurt, but for some reason I believe you are going to in the end somehow. And I wont be there to help you up either, but I guess there will be others to help you. Either way though, when it comes to the possibility of you getting hurt against the possibility of me just having to do some reflection, id rather do reflection then see you get smacked in the face. Although sometimes I wonder if maybe, If I am the one who holds this so called 'exclusive truth', then perhaps if the consequences of your actions are not what you had wished for, then maybe you will learn from it and begin to see where I am coming from. Maybe this is better actually, maybe you need to have something slap you in the face once and for all to get you out of this vicious cycle.

Ideally of course, you wouldnt have to have such an abrupt wake up call, and maybe, just maybe, you happen to stumble upon something good, and there is no need for any further drama. To tell you the truth, I wish I could say I believe that this has happened. But for some reason, something deep inside me is telling me otherwise. Prove me wrong, please prove me wrong. Maybe I take too much pride in my so called 'gut feeling', but more often then not, it has proven to be faithful. There is a slight possibility that my so called 'gut feeling' this time around is just the result of my convictions leading on my thought processes, and for your sake I hope that this is the case.

My impulse emotions right now, at this very moment, is actually to just leave. It sounds cold, it sounds bitter even, and who knows, maybe it is. I can tell it is the selfish part of me just wanting to let go of responsibility. Although the influence I have in your life diminishes with time, I still feel responsible as to what happens to you. I very much want to protect you, but there are moments when it hits me hard, that I cant. Therefore, rather then just sit here, and watch you all struggle through your trials, not being able to help you, as well as missing out on celebrating your joys, I feel like I'd much rather forget about you. Memories are dangerous, they play with your mind, they alter your perception, and they can be distorted with time. I cant rely on memories...

And as for you, I'm sorry I hurt you in the past. What I did, i tried to justify to make it sound like I was being considerate, even compassionate. To a degree I was looking out for you, but I know a large part of it was for selfish reasons. I had gotten too caught up in things to realize exactly what had happened, and when I started to see it, i was rather shocked. I do know that, regardless of my motivations for doing so, what happened was actually for the better. I dont know if you see it, but it seems to me that you have found your happiness in something else. What worries me at this point is that, you are banking too much on this one thing that makes you happy, when in reality you should be seeking it else where, in God. Heh, i laugh at my self when I reminisce about me trying to be all christian like for you, when I was more concerned about looking good in your eyes, rather then the salvation of your heart. If i could go back and do it all over again, there'd be a lot of things I'd change. but of course that is a rediculous notion, and shouldnt even be thought out, but at least we didnt leave for our own seperate directions on too bad a note. I geniuenly wish you the best.

Hm... what can i say? You still cross my mind. It's not so much an infatuation any longer, just a curiousity. Not for the moment, but rather, what if in the future. I know myself, and I have set my goals and boundaries for the present. And god willing, I will abide by them. You have not been included. Not becase I didnt want you there, but rather just because you would be much to big a distraction for me to do what I have to do, which is carry out my duties as a child of christ to further His kingdom. It's insane though, sometimes I look for you, hoping you'd show up even though realistically I know the chances of that happening are small. All the better though, for I would once again get distracted. The way things worked with you though, was different then how I approached everything else. You stand out for some reason, but maybe that is my mind playing tricks again, it could be you are no different then the other examples of the past. Examples is being used for lack of a better word here. You seem to be the one other person who would be as dedicated to sticking to their beliefs as I am right now. No, not necessarily in the religious context, but I believe I have an idea for what you stand for, and you seem so strong minded despite your quiet and calm exterior. Never stray from him.

You hurt me, badly in fact. Yet I dont blame you, hold any grudges or anything of that sort. You had no intention to do so, therefore I have no reason to be upset with you. Time heals, and thankfully I can still percieve time, meaning I have healed. You too, seem to have found a source of happiness, the question remains is whether or not it is the right one. That sounded too cynical. I just mean, I hope you being to seek other forms of joy, more faithful and even better, more incredible sources of happiness. I really hope you turn to God for that. but one can only hope I suppose. You are truly.... unique, perhaps even a bit queer. not in the homosexual sense heh. Just... different. I feel a little bit different about you though. You are one of the few people I dont feel like disconnectiong myself from at this moment, rather I just want to be there for you, because for some reason or another, something tells me you're gonna need that. I hope this isnt foreshadowing into something disasterous, that would be really bad. Not that you arent strong, but I believe you arent as strong as you hope yourself to be. That's alright though, most of us have a higher view of oursevles then we should.

California. Why do I feel so drawn? I need to seek his wisdom on this matter. This is my plan, but im not sure if it's His. Heh, UMBC was never part of my plan, but here I am, and yet I find this to be one of the most blessed experiences I have yet to encounter in my 17 years that I have been alive. I am intensly curious as to where He will lead me in the next few years of my life. What I am talking about? This isnt even my life. It's His. 'For You are Good, Your Love Endures Forever'.....

[just a stream of conciousness, i dont really expect anyone to read all of this, but if you do, I definately doubt you'd be able to understand it. hehe, good luck trying though, its just things I would say to certain people If i could be completely blunt and honest]

----
The greatest love of all.... is that of which comes from God.
The greatest thing you will ever learn, is that no matter how much you love God, He loves you so much more in return.
-oooh i ripped of cheesy lines and made them profound!
----

dag, im feeling these books by joshua harris...

i just want to share some excerpts from Boy Meets Girl that really stood out to me:

"A Couple commited to God's glory places their ultimate hope in God, not in each other. Before two people can please God as a couple, they most first be individuals who want God more than anything else and who know that only He can satisfy the deepest longings of their souls."

"It's not enough to simply have romnatic feelings. Anyone can do that! Long-lasting romance needs practical, common-sense wisdom that knows when to let the wind of feelings carry us higher and when to pull back. When to express out emotions and when to keep quiet. When to open our hearts and when to rein them in."

"Patience is important not only in waiting for the right time to start a relationship, but also in allowing it to unfold in a healthy pace. Impatience rushes everything. It urges us to skip the time and attention a healthy friendship requiers and to jump right into emotional and physical intimacy."

"Anyone can have passionate feelings, but only those who seek God's purpose and timing can know the true joy of romantic love fufilled"

DAG! All this good stuff and ive just finished only the THIRD CHAPTER. It makes so much sense its rediculous.

this made my day...


hehe, comp sci is the only class i seem to be kicking butt in ^^.

---
its time for a revival !

sometimes... there are girls that are so cute, that when they smile... you cant help but smile back...

GAH I SHALL CAST DOWN MY IDOLS! GAH BACK STAY BACK!....

sorry... its an ongoing struggle guys ^^.

and there's this other girl... who is like a darker skinned version of lily.
haha if you read this lily, i think you have a filipino twin here at umbc.
*shrugs* oh well...

ill stay away from ALL OF EM! girls = evil ^^.
actually.. no not really...

newton + girls = distraction
and distraction = evil to the second power ^^

this is a very much recommended download...

its like a christian sarah mclachlan... awesome stuff.
----
Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
The signs are unclear
I can't find the reason why You led me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
And if all of these trials can make me like You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
'Cause it leads me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
Only that I'll never go alone

When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

amen?

so, have you given into ya emotions or not?/
or are you hoping you got some kind of notion from god?/
well i guess you know where you going since you've chosen the spot/
its like you slowly forgot, dont tell me once again you stroll with the flocks!?/
thought you were stronger, but this may very well show that your not/
i guess ill believe you the day i see you holding a rock/

ive found im the weaker of friends, now im beginning the end/
im tired of drifting, so i guess im just leaving instead/
dont get it? you dont have to... hehe.

hehe, lately ive been listening to a wide array of music...

old school techno: La Bouche - sweet dreams; Real McCoy - Another Night
old school NSYNC: drive myself crazy; its gonna be me; god must have spent
old school K-Pop: H.O.T. - we are the future
new hip hop: Xzibit ft. Eminem - My Name
---

when my hair gets like this, you know i need a haircut again.
---
haha funny eh? oh well...
wow... there was a conference at my church this weekend where congregations and pastors from all over... NY, NC, CA, PA and im sure other places all came to just share a time of worship and fellowship, and it was a pretty awesome, mindblowing experience. its taught me some things about myself, and kind of served as a smack in the face and i finally saw some of the things ive been doing wrong all these times...

its hard to change... that's for sure... but i realize I MYSELF can never change, ill always have the same habits if i try to act on my own power... but when we trust God to take care of it... when we rely on HIS strength... wow! its finally possible! im excited.... college really is a new chapter in my life^^. to be rescued from my old ways cant happen from within myself... someone from the outside has to bring me out... that someone = god. POWERFUL HUH!?

----
I'm gonna be a history maker in this land
I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind
I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run
Into your arms, into your arms again
Into your arms, into your arms again

Well it's true today that when people stand
With the fire of God, and the truth in hand
We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing
We'll see broken hearts making history
Yes it's true and I believe it
We're living for you

-history maker, by delirious
----

i am tired. heh.

be careful with the simple, yet addicting games... they'll kill your time like crazy.

i just spent an hour and a half playing ONE game of tetris, to get a score of 600,000 or around there to become the 6th best player in koreanpride.com hehe.

god what a loser i am ^^.

i need to go to bed BY TWELVE so i can wake up for morning prayer and wake up for class.... ive been having a bad oversleeping problem lately.

oh yes btw, i stole jiheon's shout out joint and put in my own so you can reply back! click on the link that says ' |jot down your thoughts| '

alright well, im gonna just chill for now but take care everyone! god bless !