i took all the blame.
s'ok. its simpler this way.
and i suppose its best to keep mistakes simple.
"How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sands on the shore.
Every time You've taken me back,
and now I pray You do it once more.
Please take from me my life
when I don't have the strength
to give it away to You.
Please take from me my life
when I don't have the strength
to give it away to You, Jesus."
-take my life, third day
and as ms. yu so eloquently quoted...
"i'm sorry Lord for the thing i've made it
cuz it's all about You, it's all about You Jesus"
-heart of worship, matt redman
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
wow. im tired.
i just got off the phone with steve jundo, and man, i miss those talks. he's been such a great mentor/older brother in Christ to me. Thanks for everything man.
anyways, back to being tired. its only physically. emotionally and spiritually, im actually pretty upbeat. i gotta keep feeding that flame though. I am SERIOUSLY ashamed to say i am about a week late on my QT's. i have always been pretty piss poor about keeping those prayer/QT/devotional comittments. in the morning i am catching uuuuuuuup.
heh. during the day i keep thinking of things i want to write on this blog, but by the time i get to the keyboard i forget many of them. boo.
ok ill update later. gnite.
ps.
yay for growing up.
or as becca would say, 'yayers'.
i just got off the phone with steve jundo, and man, i miss those talks. he's been such a great mentor/older brother in Christ to me. Thanks for everything man.
anyways, back to being tired. its only physically. emotionally and spiritually, im actually pretty upbeat. i gotta keep feeding that flame though. I am SERIOUSLY ashamed to say i am about a week late on my QT's. i have always been pretty piss poor about keeping those prayer/QT/devotional comittments. in the morning i am catching uuuuuuuup.
heh. during the day i keep thinking of things i want to write on this blog, but by the time i get to the keyboard i forget many of them. boo.
ok ill update later. gnite.
ps.
yay for growing up.
or as becca would say, 'yayers'.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
this is going to be a very random post. i can already tell.
did you know?
... that one of the main reasons I shaved my head was because I ran into a girl whom I thought I had outgrown a crush with, but upon seeing her again, realized this was an area of my life I still had not completely given up. so in a sense, the shaving of my head was my symbolic gesture to God that I'm giving it all up. oh yea, plus my mom hated my hair getting long. speaking of which I think i need to cut my hair again tonite.
after the first time i shaved my head.
----
haha anyways I almost forgot how fun ice skating can be.
ok.
----
did you know?
... that I organize my blog posts and divide up subjects by using these '----' dashes.
four dashes (----) mean whatever follows is a completely different subject from whatever preceded the dashes.
three dashes (---) means whatever follows is still at least slight related to what preceded the dashes but its not exactly the same subject.
----
you know I have never been so aware as to how God's been working in my life. And never before have I been so excited to see what else is in store. There are so many area's that have been exposed and have been molded the past few months that its hard to keep track of it all. I'll just make a short list, for my future references.
Area number 1:
Community.
A body of Christ is SO important. I never realized how much so. I took OFM for granted. They were an awesome place to be as a youth but naieve, cocky, lil ol me thought that although it was indeed a blessing, i didnt need them. I didnt need a body. But its great that I do. GOOD NIGHT WAS I WRONG.
How could I expect to grow without accountability? without older brothers and sisters showing me how to live the Christian life by EXAMPLE? without the joys of fellowship and growing confidence that I have a group of people all living and running after the same things in life? Aish. I was (and still am) such a babo.
These are the guys I know would not just 'die for one another' but LIVE OUT THEIR LIVES always keeping one another close to Christ.
Sorry sisters, you all have a place in my heart too, but as you all and I both know, ya girls are there for you more than I or any of the brothers ever could be. It works both ways. Besides... I didnt have a pic uploaded of all of you heh.
Area number 2:
Friendship.
One person in particular has really been a blessing. This person's been such an awesome influence but more than that, an amazing person to have as a friend. I mean it. And I owe them an apology, for not fully fufilling the role they trusted me to fufill. OK enough of that mushiness. They know I appreciate and care for them deeply. At least I hope so, so I'm not gonna say anymore.
But in general, I've learned that friendship shouldnt be taken so lightly. For any of you who have heard my first audio song ever, you'll know I am the kind of person who was able to let go of friends easily. Not that I didnt appreciate them, but I over embraced the fact that time changes things, and that people come and go. Even in one of my most songs (which can be found by clicking the link) I had a very similar mentality. Not quite as loose, but still, a bit too easy going. But even more recently I've been brought to a cross road where I had to decide whether or not I'm going to put forth my effort into keeping the friendship alive or not. It was almost a case of all or nothing. I opted to hang on. I am so glad that I did.
"Any relationship that's REALLY REALLY worth it, is going to have some hardships, and you're gonna have to get through them"
-Pastor Cory
In small group last night, that's what my pastor said. And for once, I cannot agree more. Part of the reason I used to be so passive in my friendships/relationships with people, was because I was(am) a passive kid. and that leads to the last area of recent revelation.
Area number 3:
Manhood.
Let's be blunt. I'm spineless at times. OK, i'm not a pushover, but I'm definately no aggresor by anymeans. It's evident with the way I write, the way I speak, the way I live. Given, its not a compeltely bad thing, but it needs balance. Balance is what I lack. For many this may be too far-fetched but I've come to realize its the truth.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Most of the time, I dont do that. I'll go ahead and say it. I can be a pussy. Why? not cuz too many things scare me, but rather I dont like inconveniencing anyone or being inconvenienced. So what happens? I dont face issues head on. I avoid confrontations. Bottom line is I DONT FIGHT for my beliefs, for my faith. So what use am I? very little.
Sure I can be a compassionate friend/brother/son. But I'm not passionate MAN. Who will I be to my future wife? To my future kids? Will I come through for them? or will I shy away from the challange. SCREW COMPLACENCY. IF ISH NEEDS TO GET DONE, IMMA DO IT.
Small group this semester is really powerful for me. It's rearing me up to be a MAN of GOD. It's an issue I find I am incredibly excited about.
this is one of the books we are reading, and I have not been so affected by a book since I read 'I kissed dating good bye' back in the summer after my senior year of high school.
----
a final did you know?
... I have a pretty bad case of 'short dari'. Chances are, if you let me drive your car, even if I am taller than you, I'm going to have to move the seat forward cuz my legs cant reach the pedals.
In fact, today I had something 'not so good' for lunch, and I had to use the bathroom on the first floor of the library, and when I sat down on the toilet, I could barely touch the floor with my feet. Only my toes touched, there was no way I could get my heels to contact the ground. -_-; If you and I were to walk together, it's not that I am walking slower than you, I just cant take as large steps.
My arms are short too. I cant use one of the weight machines in the weight room because my elbows are too short and dont support the roller pads. The reason I roll up my sleeves on my long sleve button down t-shirts at ALL TIMES is not because I think its stylish or anything, its because the sleeves would other wise come down to my knuckles. HA HA. laugh all you want.
Oh yes, lastly, my tongue is short/defective. I can't roll my r's for spanish class. Ok maybe not every can do that. But I cant BLOW BUBBLES WITH BUBBLE GUM. And there are certain words I cannot pronounce correctly because of my tongue. North = NORF when i say it. Booth = BOOF. but oddly enough I can say south perfectly fine.
ok enough did you know's.
Told you it was gonna be a random entry.
did you know?
... that one of the main reasons I shaved my head was because I ran into a girl whom I thought I had outgrown a crush with, but upon seeing her again, realized this was an area of my life I still had not completely given up. so in a sense, the shaving of my head was my symbolic gesture to God that I'm giving it all up. oh yea, plus my mom hated my hair getting long. speaking of which I think i need to cut my hair again tonite.
after the first time i shaved my head.
----
haha anyways I almost forgot how fun ice skating can be.
ok.
----
did you know?
... that I organize my blog posts and divide up subjects by using these '----' dashes.
four dashes (----) mean whatever follows is a completely different subject from whatever preceded the dashes.
three dashes (---) means whatever follows is still at least slight related to what preceded the dashes but its not exactly the same subject.
----
you know I have never been so aware as to how God's been working in my life. And never before have I been so excited to see what else is in store. There are so many area's that have been exposed and have been molded the past few months that its hard to keep track of it all. I'll just make a short list, for my future references.
Area number 1:
Community.
A body of Christ is SO important. I never realized how much so. I took OFM for granted. They were an awesome place to be as a youth but naieve, cocky, lil ol me thought that although it was indeed a blessing, i didnt need them. I didnt need a body. But its great that I do. GOOD NIGHT WAS I WRONG.
How could I expect to grow without accountability? without older brothers and sisters showing me how to live the Christian life by EXAMPLE? without the joys of fellowship and growing confidence that I have a group of people all living and running after the same things in life? Aish. I was (and still am) such a babo.
These are the guys I know would not just 'die for one another' but LIVE OUT THEIR LIVES always keeping one another close to Christ.
Sorry sisters, you all have a place in my heart too, but as you all and I both know, ya girls are there for you more than I or any of the brothers ever could be. It works both ways. Besides... I didnt have a pic uploaded of all of you heh.
Area number 2:
Friendship.
One person in particular has really been a blessing. This person's been such an awesome influence but more than that, an amazing person to have as a friend. I mean it. And I owe them an apology, for not fully fufilling the role they trusted me to fufill. OK enough of that mushiness. They know I appreciate and care for them deeply. At least I hope so, so I'm not gonna say anymore.
But in general, I've learned that friendship shouldnt be taken so lightly. For any of you who have heard my first audio song ever, you'll know I am the kind of person who was able to let go of friends easily. Not that I didnt appreciate them, but I over embraced the fact that time changes things, and that people come and go. Even in one of my most songs (which can be found by clicking the link) I had a very similar mentality. Not quite as loose, but still, a bit too easy going. But even more recently I've been brought to a cross road where I had to decide whether or not I'm going to put forth my effort into keeping the friendship alive or not. It was almost a case of all or nothing. I opted to hang on. I am so glad that I did.
"Any relationship that's REALLY REALLY worth it, is going to have some hardships, and you're gonna have to get through them"
-Pastor Cory
In small group last night, that's what my pastor said. And for once, I cannot agree more. Part of the reason I used to be so passive in my friendships/relationships with people, was because I was(am) a passive kid. and that leads to the last area of recent revelation.
Area number 3:
Manhood.
Let's be blunt. I'm spineless at times. OK, i'm not a pushover, but I'm definately no aggresor by anymeans. It's evident with the way I write, the way I speak, the way I live. Given, its not a compeltely bad thing, but it needs balance. Balance is what I lack. For many this may be too far-fetched but I've come to realize its the truth.
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Most of the time, I dont do that. I'll go ahead and say it. I can be a pussy. Why? not cuz too many things scare me, but rather I dont like inconveniencing anyone or being inconvenienced. So what happens? I dont face issues head on. I avoid confrontations. Bottom line is I DONT FIGHT for my beliefs, for my faith. So what use am I? very little.
Sure I can be a compassionate friend/brother/son. But I'm not passionate MAN. Who will I be to my future wife? To my future kids? Will I come through for them? or will I shy away from the challange. SCREW COMPLACENCY. IF ISH NEEDS TO GET DONE, IMMA DO IT.
Small group this semester is really powerful for me. It's rearing me up to be a MAN of GOD. It's an issue I find I am incredibly excited about.
this is one of the books we are reading, and I have not been so affected by a book since I read 'I kissed dating good bye' back in the summer after my senior year of high school.
----
a final did you know?
... I have a pretty bad case of 'short dari'. Chances are, if you let me drive your car, even if I am taller than you, I'm going to have to move the seat forward cuz my legs cant reach the pedals.
In fact, today I had something 'not so good' for lunch, and I had to use the bathroom on the first floor of the library, and when I sat down on the toilet, I could barely touch the floor with my feet. Only my toes touched, there was no way I could get my heels to contact the ground. -_-; If you and I were to walk together, it's not that I am walking slower than you, I just cant take as large steps.
My arms are short too. I cant use one of the weight machines in the weight room because my elbows are too short and dont support the roller pads. The reason I roll up my sleeves on my long sleve button down t-shirts at ALL TIMES is not because I think its stylish or anything, its because the sleeves would other wise come down to my knuckles. HA HA. laugh all you want.
Oh yes, lastly, my tongue is short/defective. I can't roll my r's for spanish class. Ok maybe not every can do that. But I cant BLOW BUBBLES WITH BUBBLE GUM. And there are certain words I cannot pronounce correctly because of my tongue. North = NORF when i say it. Booth = BOOF. but oddly enough I can say south perfectly fine.
ok enough did you know's.
Told you it was gonna be a random entry.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Here is where the road divides
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
- pray for me, michael w smith
I'm giving you my heart, all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of You my king
I'm giving You my dreams,
Laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life
And I surrender
All to You, all to You
- surrender, vineyard
I will be there when you call
I will see you through it all
and even in your darkest hour,
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground
- think of me, mark schultz and rachel lampa
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
- if you want me to, ginny owens
You stay up all night long
As you wrestle with yourself
And it only leaves you tired
Then you see the mess you've made
Trying to trade the things you know,
What you believe, for this control
It's too bad your will don't roll
Because you're standing in the way
Somehow it always comes around
To be the best for you
The best for me and then we'll
See the beauty of it all again
Again
- always comes around, seven day jesus
only for You. I can do this only for You.
like the passing weather, all of our lives has their seasons/
there’s always people coming in while some of them are leaving/
each of them marks our hearts in their separate way/
but don’t forget to someone else… we also do the same/
- people come and go, gifted thought/decipher/fundamentalz
Here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
Thru' time you've been a friend to me
- pray for me, michael w smith
I'm giving you my heart, all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of You my king
I'm giving You my dreams,
Laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life
And I surrender
All to You, all to You
- surrender, vineyard
I will be there when you call
I will see you through it all
and even in your darkest hour,
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground
- think of me, mark schultz and rachel lampa
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
- if you want me to, ginny owens
You stay up all night long
As you wrestle with yourself
And it only leaves you tired
Then you see the mess you've made
Trying to trade the things you know,
What you believe, for this control
It's too bad your will don't roll
Because you're standing in the way
Somehow it always comes around
To be the best for you
The best for me and then we'll
See the beauty of it all again
Again
- always comes around, seven day jesus
only for You. I can do this only for You.
like the passing weather, all of our lives has their seasons/
there’s always people coming in while some of them are leaving/
each of them marks our hearts in their separate way/
but don’t forget to someone else… we also do the same/
- people come and go, gifted thought/decipher/fundamentalz
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
i think all i really needed was a little bit of perspective...
and maybe a moment where i just shut up and stopped whining and listened...
this may be a long hard rough semester that i have to go through... but Lord willing, i will.
this time i made up my mind
this time im back on my grind
i know theres things in my life that imma let go starting tonite
I cant live my, I cant live my life this way.
-this way, dilated peoples ft kanye west
little by little bit everyday... right?
gotta suck it up, build it up, its time to be a man.
----
any how, it looks as if my blog commenting system is down for now... a shame really.. hopefully it'll reopen.
----
you know...
there's always something to learn in this life... there's always room to grow... always something to improve upon... always situations to respond to, problems to remedy...
i suppose a big issue of the moment is friendship.
true friends. they are hard to come by. where its not about convenience, its not about 'you scratch my back, ill scratch yours', its not completely about common interests, but ultimately it all ties back to Him.
the past couple months/weeks/day... i've been learning and experiencing so much in this area. and for all the 'trouble' that has come up, deep inside, i believe it to be worth it.
not just that though, its something so awesome, its to be cherished, sought after, protected, and never reckless. its not something to get so caught up in that it becomes idolized, rather something to nurture along the way. friendship alone, without a journey is merely a passing thought. a journey with a friend is one of life's simplest but most amazing blessings, and that perseveres. maybe i can't be/do all those things all the time, but its something ill always strive for... and i can pinky promise to that.
yea you could say ive been a bit of a foo, even more so cuz i did it to you/
maybe you'll look at me a little different too, but know that im sorry, this much is true/
see, it isnt cool, if i put you in scenes that maybe made ya compromise/
so with an honest mind, i promise i, will turn everything back, and go from wrong to right/
-freewrite, me
----
within the next month, be on the lookout for some new song releases from yours truly.
and maybe a moment where i just shut up and stopped whining and listened...
this may be a long hard rough semester that i have to go through... but Lord willing, i will.
this time i made up my mind
this time im back on my grind
i know theres things in my life that imma let go starting tonite
I cant live my, I cant live my life this way.
-this way, dilated peoples ft kanye west
little by little bit everyday... right?
gotta suck it up, build it up, its time to be a man.
----
any how, it looks as if my blog commenting system is down for now... a shame really.. hopefully it'll reopen.
----
you know...
there's always something to learn in this life... there's always room to grow... always something to improve upon... always situations to respond to, problems to remedy...
i suppose a big issue of the moment is friendship.
true friends. they are hard to come by. where its not about convenience, its not about 'you scratch my back, ill scratch yours', its not completely about common interests, but ultimately it all ties back to Him.
the past couple months/weeks/day... i've been learning and experiencing so much in this area. and for all the 'trouble' that has come up, deep inside, i believe it to be worth it.
not just that though, its something so awesome, its to be cherished, sought after, protected, and never reckless. its not something to get so caught up in that it becomes idolized, rather something to nurture along the way. friendship alone, without a journey is merely a passing thought. a journey with a friend is one of life's simplest but most amazing blessings, and that perseveres. maybe i can't be/do all those things all the time, but its something ill always strive for... and i can pinky promise to that.
yea you could say ive been a bit of a foo, even more so cuz i did it to you/
maybe you'll look at me a little different too, but know that im sorry, this much is true/
see, it isnt cool, if i put you in scenes that maybe made ya compromise/
so with an honest mind, i promise i, will turn everything back, and go from wrong to right/
-freewrite, me
----
within the next month, be on the lookout for some new song releases from yours truly.