Hopeless
2. Giving no ground of hope; promising nothing desirable; desperate; as, a hopeless cause.
hm... that's not a very good state of mind to be in...
sometimes, even the most redundant, obvious, and appealing of truths... can just seem like empty words.
on the larger scale... its just a little blip in my life... sure... i know it is... but im living this darn blip... maybe ill laugh at it later... but it sure aint funny now.
i am weak. i am of the flesh, and i am in this world, yes i know not of it... just in it. i promised i wouldnt give in, but it doesnt seem to matter anymore, of course... i know it still does... but its just easier to give into the moment then to building myself for the future. after all, that seems to be the root of all my problems.
"this is my heart, bleeding before you
this is me down on my knees....
these foolish games, are breaking my heart"
-Foolish Games, Jewel
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heh, they warned me, "things tend to spiral downward once you go away, but you have to fight it". I didnt take it seriously... because this never happened in the past... yet same time I dont think i've ever been so close before... so maybe in the past i had nothing to fall down from. funny what a few days does to someone eh? darker tones... a sense of bitterness perhaps... everyone has them at some point or another.. its just a matter of how you deal with it... do you indulge? or do you go at it, head on. yesterday, i chose to stay in the dark room. today, its been back and forth. there has been some progress, i suppose that's something. maybe tomorrow ill take another step... shoot... maybe ill just start running...
...
...
maybe.
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ive been cold in the past, sorry to those ive been cold to. you dont know what im talking about, but I do. I just didnt understand... perhaps cold isnt the right word... more like... inexperienced. I didnt believe you when you said you were here. I thought 'here' didnt exist. Apparantly it does... when you give in. Its easy to pretend though. Pretend like you're not here. You're somewhere more pleasant... more comforting... the interesting thing is... you cant define...... this place. The thing is, my 'self' is split. I knowingly choose to be here, because as hard as it is to becoem satisfied here, it just seems easier to be unhappy here rather than working to be happy over there. That aint right. You know it, and I know it. So, we try to find an escape from here, only its temporary... it suits us just fine.. or at least me, but only for a moment. It doesnt have true staying power, but perhaps that's not what I was looking for? In the end, of course that's what I want. And there is only one true source and accurate description of Forever. That's where I should be going. Tomorrow, I'm going in that direction. And in two days im leaving. This is no place for me, its no place for anyone. Bye you beast. You cant get to me when im not awake, when i'm not concious, when im not aware of your precense. So i'm sleeping. You've had your fun with me. When I wake up, im not looking at you either. I'm turning my head and walking the other way. And screw you, I'm not looking back. Chase me, I dare you... I'm going to win. Not cause I'm any stronger than you, but because I've got something that scares the Hell out of you. You know what I am talking about.
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"I will go where you go..."
-I Will go where you go, Debra Park