i am not good enough

-edit-

.a candid letter.

to whom it may concern

I noticed. I saw it. Im so happy for you. I just kept quiet because, I'm not there yet. I can be happy for you, but not with you. I'm not ignoring what seems to be a significant symbolic turning point in your life, because I know that it is, but in that same vein I realized how much I need something similar. A turning away of sorts, a rejuvination, a reconciliation, something to bring me back home. I know you've noticed. But I really have wandered far away. Too far. Even to the point where I dont exactly know my way back again. I have a general direction now, but still much is uncertain. However, I also want you to know that having this 'general direction' today is me being in a better place than I have been the past 2 months. It's so frustrating to see how far neglect has caused me to drift away from everything that matters most to me. Isolation and over self-indulgence had become such a big distraction that it's almost become the only thing i find familiar. But deep within, there has always been a tiny cry for restoration, but I foolishly muffled it out of spirit of plain indifference.

Yet you see, this indifference has affected not just me, but everything and everyone around. Destructive, malignant elements were brought into my inner circle, and a lot of people and things that are righteous were distanced from me. Including you. Perhaps never directly, but while at surface you remained always in sight, the panicky flailing about of my soul had caused a substantial undercurrent that was quietly pulling you away, even causing you to struggle admist you're own swim. I hope you can forgive me for such reckless behavior.

Yes, I know, there were faults upon both of us but that does not disregard the fact that mistakes were made on my side, under my watch. I'm supposed to be stronger than that. But regardless of what has happened, let me share my heart for what I think should happen. Swim hard. Swim as hard as you can. When you reach land again, let this shipwreck of an episode serve as a cautious reminder but dont let it become something that weighs you down as you get out of the water and start running. Don't worry about me. I'll catch up as soon as I can. Maybe then we can rejoice together... as long as we never stop running.

God bless you.

ps.
I told you this whole thing isnt as lopsided as you thought it was.