Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Monday, March 10, 2003
i find my self taking advantage of things that i have no right to. why is it so hard to reach true freedome?
"Lost and dirty yet You found me
Stained by sin but you have cleansed me
Can it be I'm precious in you sight?"
- Here am I a sinner free, Matt Redman
i am literally ashamed of myself. i dont know how i can turn away, and then when it comes time to it, act like ive done nothing wrong. I cant keep doing this. It's holding me back. It's not like i can just forget about it either. If I stray for just one second, its so easy to fall so far. Why did I choose to push it away this morning!? GAH. Look where I am.
---
Wow, I was so foolish back then. Too bad I didnt know. Heck, I wonder if it would have made a difference even if I did know. I'm not even safe when I sleep. Flashbacks continue to creep up in my mind, nudging and subtly shifting me the other way. That aint cool. I wonder if I'm alone on this one, or does it have an equal effect. Perhaps in the other case, there are 'moments' to replace the old ones. I dont want new moments though, it's just gonna screw with me even more in the future. I want to throw it all away. This is holding me back as well.
----
Doh. Maybe its the nice weather, I dunno. Maybe I'm just digging myself deeper into the hole. Heh, I dunno why i'm complaining, its so trivial its ridiculous. Still though, its kind of discomforting to find myself distracted at the most important times by this one person. I want SO MUCH to keep my eyes set on Him. I find it so stupid that as humans, if we dont have any real crisis, we have to create our own drama. screw that.
"Consuming fire, fan into flames
Lord have your way, Lord have your way..."
-Consuming Fire, Tim Hughes
"Im gonna lay it down now and I take this vow/
I wont be a punk that gets taken out!/
wont play it down, im gonna face it now/
troubles n struggles what faiths about/"
----
[edit]
one last thing i forgot. I was sitting in bed considering it last night, and today I guess it was reaffirmed... especially in the past few minutes. I'm still not exactly sure if you really know what's up but either way I owe you an apology. Cuz I am not in a place where I can judge you in this situation. I wish you the best, seriously though, whatever that may entitle you to. Even though you probably dont even know why I'm apologizing, or even if this is for you that's OK, because I kept this to myself anyways. But for the sake of friendship, I want to tell you that I had a wrongful mentality. I prejudged things from the very start, and even to this day am still trying to rid myself of these personal biases. I think I was just jealous with the possibility that you may have matured faster than I in certain areas where I always seemed to be helping you. Please forgive me.
"Lost and dirty yet You found me
Stained by sin but you have cleansed me
Can it be I'm precious in you sight?"
- Here am I a sinner free, Matt Redman
i am literally ashamed of myself. i dont know how i can turn away, and then when it comes time to it, act like ive done nothing wrong. I cant keep doing this. It's holding me back. It's not like i can just forget about it either. If I stray for just one second, its so easy to fall so far. Why did I choose to push it away this morning!? GAH. Look where I am.
---
Wow, I was so foolish back then. Too bad I didnt know. Heck, I wonder if it would have made a difference even if I did know. I'm not even safe when I sleep. Flashbacks continue to creep up in my mind, nudging and subtly shifting me the other way. That aint cool. I wonder if I'm alone on this one, or does it have an equal effect. Perhaps in the other case, there are 'moments' to replace the old ones. I dont want new moments though, it's just gonna screw with me even more in the future. I want to throw it all away. This is holding me back as well.
----
Doh. Maybe its the nice weather, I dunno. Maybe I'm just digging myself deeper into the hole. Heh, I dunno why i'm complaining, its so trivial its ridiculous. Still though, its kind of discomforting to find myself distracted at the most important times by this one person. I want SO MUCH to keep my eyes set on Him. I find it so stupid that as humans, if we dont have any real crisis, we have to create our own drama. screw that.
"Consuming fire, fan into flames
Lord have your way, Lord have your way..."
-Consuming Fire, Tim Hughes
"Im gonna lay it down now and I take this vow/
I wont be a punk that gets taken out!/
wont play it down, im gonna face it now/
troubles n struggles what faiths about/"
----
[edit]
one last thing i forgot. I was sitting in bed considering it last night, and today I guess it was reaffirmed... especially in the past few minutes. I'm still not exactly sure if you really know what's up but either way I owe you an apology. Cuz I am not in a place where I can judge you in this situation. I wish you the best, seriously though, whatever that may entitle you to. Even though you probably dont even know why I'm apologizing, or even if this is for you that's OK, because I kept this to myself anyways. But for the sake of friendship, I want to tell you that I had a wrongful mentality. I prejudged things from the very start, and even to this day am still trying to rid myself of these personal biases. I think I was just jealous with the possibility that you may have matured faster than I in certain areas where I always seemed to be helping you. Please forgive me.
Sunday, March 09, 2003
the game of life is exhilarating. i dont think ive ever had that much fun on a board game. haha, mr jerry ta, what a fruitful decision.
and now ...out of sheer fatigue and resistance to sleep...
1.What is your name? Newt.
2. What color pants are you wearing? khaki.
3. What are you listening to right now? espn sportscenter in the background.
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number? uhm... depends...0432 is one of em.
5. What was the last thing you ate? bacon cheesburger, fries and some acidic-like grape soda.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? clear...that'd be kinda cool.
7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? wherever my wife wants.
8. How is the weather right now? its a crisp evening now at 1:23 am, filled with promise for the future.
9. Last person you talked to on the phone? Albee, just to get her to let me in her hall, but Jason and Joy in an actual conversation.
10. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their general mannerisms... such as the way they talk, act, and interact and so forth... out of these... i think the smile (if its a nice one) catches my attention the most.
11. Do you like the person that sent you this? Diana, so mature for her age, yet so childish at heart. what a blessing of a combination. Haha, the only senior/freshman i know.
13. Your favorite drink? a couple of those SoBe lizard drinks are pure quality. almost nectar like in character. and i had some tantalizing punch today at Will & Janette's wedding.
14. Your favorite alcoholic drink? not a drinker. dont see the point.
15. How do you eat an Oreo? the method depends on the emotional mood and level of hunger at the time of consumption.
16. Favorite sport: im not wonderfully talented at it, but soccer is what its about.
17. What's the next CD you're going to get? I wanna pick up As One 3jib when it comes out but i'm not heavily considering anything in particular.
18. Hair color: black. well technically dark dark brown.
19. Eye Color: same as my hair color.
21. Siblings and their ages? yea, younger sister... at the crazy age of 15
22. favorite month? it doesnt matter.
23. Favorite food? *shrugs* what's good is good.
24. Last movie you watched? I watched MI:2 last week, not for hte first time mind you, but just for some classic john woo action.
25. Favorite day of the year? whenever I know that by the end of the day, I've lived it for Him. it doesnt happen as often as i would like it too :(
26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes, and no. Now I am, but it doesnt matter, because I'm not in a position where I am ready to date anyhow. But when I feel God leading me to that girl, whomever it may be, who am i to disobey Him? ^^
27. Do you like scary or happy movies better? Find me a movie that scares me, and I'll let you know. Dont say The Ring was scary either, cuz it wasnt... slightly thrilling perhaps, maybe even surprising at times, but not scary. So for now, Happy movies win by default.
28. Summer or Winter? im tempted to say Summer just because she's such a funny older sister in Christ to have, but in context to the question, I'd say winter just because I think its more beautiful and peaceful. Im starting to get sick of snow though.
29. Hugs or Kisses? depends on the situation... hugs are generally more comforting and more than just physical affection. I think that's more powerful and comforting.
31. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla, dont usually mess with straight up chocolate products.
32. Do you want your friends to write back? nah, not in particular. I dont like reading 1000's emails at once hehe. I dont mind reading them on their own blog pages though, cuz then it just feels more leisurely.
33. Who is most likely to respond? n/a
34. Who's least likely to respond? n/a
35. Living arrangements? In a dorm room with a roomate. He's cool enough though.
36. What books are you reading? As in for leisure? nothing really. I should get cracking on that Ragmuffin Gospel book though. Darn this lazyiness.
37. What's on your mouse pad? I'm not rocking one. Its straight up mouse to desk.
38. Favorite board game? as of tonite. Life. The game is kinda weak, but with the right people.... its exhilarting. Dont believe me? Fine. My head still hurts from laughing so much hehe.
40. Favorite smells? it used to be the way some girls hair smells just when they are close to you. but as i've started to move away from that kind of mentality... id have to say its without a doubt the smell of a light breeze on a nice day. Windows down, music up, driving around. DANG IT, i miss driving.
41. Least favorite smell? hm, in general, I cant stand the smell of drunk people. Unfortunately its sometimes unavoidable being on a college campus. Also, this KMX energy drink smells and tastes absolutely vile. Sickening really.
42. Favorite sound? Praise. As one. Its so comforting when I can close my eyes, and listen to an entire body of christ lifting up His name.
43. Worst feeling in the world? truly admitting how far I have strayed from Him at times. It just hurts.
44. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? DOH. sleep time's over.
45. Favorite color? Blue. Baby/Sky Blue to be exact. As Carol watched on as she looked at my pillow and bed sheets, then as i tossed my two hats unto my bad, she exclaimed... "dont you think this is a bit much?" nope :-)
46. How many rings before you answer the phone? whenever I can get to it, I get to it.
51. What's under your bed? my computer system, my desk, a lamp, my schedule and a note of encouragement from some wonderful freshman sisters, and some school books. probably sounds crazy to those who have not seen my room. eh.
53. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? Always so ready to love others. Not afraid to proclaim who you are living this life for. Even as someone who is a year younger than me, I feel like you're so much more mature than me in every area where it counts. Continue to grow and run for Him ok?
54. What CD or tape do you have in your stereo? I dont have a stereo here at school, just my computer and trusty personal cd player. But I'm rocking mountain brothers : triple crown in the cd player. MB's are baaaaaack!!!
55. Favorite TV shows? Friends, Simpsons and Malcolm in the middle. And I think Whose line is it anyway is such an awesome show as well. can't beat the improv.
*Bonus Question: How long did this take you to complete? 20 minutes? doesnt matter I wasnt counting.
doh... no more questions... its ok, at least this survey didnt have stupid ones.
----
beautiful one. I love you.
beautiful one. I adore.
beautiful one, my soul, must sing!.
-Beautiful One, Tim Hughes
and now ...out of sheer fatigue and resistance to sleep...
1.What is your name? Newt.
2. What color pants are you wearing? khaki.
3. What are you listening to right now? espn sportscenter in the background.
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number? uhm... depends...0432 is one of em.
5. What was the last thing you ate? bacon cheesburger, fries and some acidic-like grape soda.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? clear...that'd be kinda cool.
7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? wherever my wife wants.
8. How is the weather right now? its a crisp evening now at 1:23 am, filled with promise for the future.
9. Last person you talked to on the phone? Albee, just to get her to let me in her hall, but Jason and Joy in an actual conversation.
10. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? their general mannerisms... such as the way they talk, act, and interact and so forth... out of these... i think the smile (if its a nice one) catches my attention the most.
11. Do you like the person that sent you this? Diana, so mature for her age, yet so childish at heart. what a blessing of a combination. Haha, the only senior/freshman i know.
13. Your favorite drink? a couple of those SoBe lizard drinks are pure quality. almost nectar like in character. and i had some tantalizing punch today at Will & Janette's wedding.
14. Your favorite alcoholic drink? not a drinker. dont see the point.
15. How do you eat an Oreo? the method depends on the emotional mood and level of hunger at the time of consumption.
16. Favorite sport: im not wonderfully talented at it, but soccer is what its about.
17. What's the next CD you're going to get? I wanna pick up As One 3jib when it comes out but i'm not heavily considering anything in particular.
18. Hair color: black. well technically dark dark brown.
19. Eye Color: same as my hair color.
21. Siblings and their ages? yea, younger sister... at the crazy age of 15
22. favorite month? it doesnt matter.
23. Favorite food? *shrugs* what's good is good.
24. Last movie you watched? I watched MI:2 last week, not for hte first time mind you, but just for some classic john woo action.
25. Favorite day of the year? whenever I know that by the end of the day, I've lived it for Him. it doesnt happen as often as i would like it too :(
26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes, and no. Now I am, but it doesnt matter, because I'm not in a position where I am ready to date anyhow. But when I feel God leading me to that girl, whomever it may be, who am i to disobey Him? ^^
27. Do you like scary or happy movies better? Find me a movie that scares me, and I'll let you know. Dont say The Ring was scary either, cuz it wasnt... slightly thrilling perhaps, maybe even surprising at times, but not scary. So for now, Happy movies win by default.
28. Summer or Winter? im tempted to say Summer just because she's such a funny older sister in Christ to have, but in context to the question, I'd say winter just because I think its more beautiful and peaceful. Im starting to get sick of snow though.
29. Hugs or Kisses? depends on the situation... hugs are generally more comforting and more than just physical affection. I think that's more powerful and comforting.
31. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla, dont usually mess with straight up chocolate products.
32. Do you want your friends to write back? nah, not in particular. I dont like reading 1000's emails at once hehe. I dont mind reading them on their own blog pages though, cuz then it just feels more leisurely.
33. Who is most likely to respond? n/a
34. Who's least likely to respond? n/a
35. Living arrangements? In a dorm room with a roomate. He's cool enough though.
36. What books are you reading? As in for leisure? nothing really. I should get cracking on that Ragmuffin Gospel book though. Darn this lazyiness.
37. What's on your mouse pad? I'm not rocking one. Its straight up mouse to desk.
38. Favorite board game? as of tonite. Life. The game is kinda weak, but with the right people.... its exhilarting. Dont believe me? Fine. My head still hurts from laughing so much hehe.
40. Favorite smells? it used to be the way some girls hair smells just when they are close to you. but as i've started to move away from that kind of mentality... id have to say its without a doubt the smell of a light breeze on a nice day. Windows down, music up, driving around. DANG IT, i miss driving.
41. Least favorite smell? hm, in general, I cant stand the smell of drunk people. Unfortunately its sometimes unavoidable being on a college campus. Also, this KMX energy drink smells and tastes absolutely vile. Sickening really.
42. Favorite sound? Praise. As one. Its so comforting when I can close my eyes, and listen to an entire body of christ lifting up His name.
43. Worst feeling in the world? truly admitting how far I have strayed from Him at times. It just hurts.
44. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? DOH. sleep time's over.
45. Favorite color? Blue. Baby/Sky Blue to be exact. As Carol watched on as she looked at my pillow and bed sheets, then as i tossed my two hats unto my bad, she exclaimed... "dont you think this is a bit much?" nope :-)
46. How many rings before you answer the phone? whenever I can get to it, I get to it.
51. What's under your bed? my computer system, my desk, a lamp, my schedule and a note of encouragement from some wonderful freshman sisters, and some school books. probably sounds crazy to those who have not seen my room. eh.
53. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you? Always so ready to love others. Not afraid to proclaim who you are living this life for. Even as someone who is a year younger than me, I feel like you're so much more mature than me in every area where it counts. Continue to grow and run for Him ok?
54. What CD or tape do you have in your stereo? I dont have a stereo here at school, just my computer and trusty personal cd player. But I'm rocking mountain brothers : triple crown in the cd player. MB's are baaaaaack!!!
55. Favorite TV shows? Friends, Simpsons and Malcolm in the middle. And I think Whose line is it anyway is such an awesome show as well. can't beat the improv.
*Bonus Question: How long did this take you to complete? 20 minutes? doesnt matter I wasnt counting.
doh... no more questions... its ok, at least this survey didnt have stupid ones.
----
beautiful one. I love you.
beautiful one. I adore.
beautiful one, my soul, must sing!.
-Beautiful One, Tim Hughes
Thursday, March 06, 2003
*shrugs* i couldnt think of a song to match the direction of today's entry. oh well... yesterday's song of the day'll have to do.
it just matched yesterday's beautiful weather vibe.
"Cause I see the sky now and the birds are singing and the clouds are
dancing with 'em too. peacefully now.
Fly all day I wanna go away there with you far away.
Cause me and you babe theres no one block in up the road
make our way and I'll do it my own way
Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright
You said once and when the time is right we'll set a rule officially now
and then make a pack eternally and I will trust you
Because I love you. yes I do
cause it's provin' you know what we are look in for
till that day we'll just have to pray pray pray and pray
Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright
Cause me and you babe there's no one blocking up the road
make away I'll do it my own my own way.
Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright
Baby one day when it's beautiful I'll take my love I'll share my soul
for the moment we will wait a while it's alright
Through the good time and the bad times been through it all
been through it all baby one day we will go away it's alright"
- Because I Love You, T & Bobby Kim
----
In the middle of the night last night, on impulse i decided im gonna give some things up and make some changes.
email will remain the same for now... ill prob change that in due time as well. so i can be reached there.
ok? ok.
Monday, March 03, 2003
man, ive had SUCH an awesome start to this week. im so foolish for being so lazy... just getting up a lil earlier to start off my day with Him really sets an awesome pace for the rest of my day.
im killing time before small group, hopefully it'll be another awesome encounter!
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picture fun.
-after church yesterday
----
education. (gotta wait for it to load before you click play)
----
Jesus you are and will always be
Beautiful and lovely to me
You gave your life and shed your blood for me
Heaven came down to reveal your love
Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
For you have won my heart
Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
From the deepest places of my heart
-thank you, jeff searles
im killing time before small group, hopefully it'll be another awesome encounter!
----
picture fun.
-after church yesterday
----
education. (gotta wait for it to load before you click play)
----
THANK YOU
Jesus you are and will always be
Beautiful and lovely to me
You gave your life and shed your blood for me
Heaven came down to reveal your love
Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
For you have won my heart
Thank you, thank you
I will always bring you praise
From the deepest places of my heart
-thank you, jeff searles