This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence, the least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

-Even When, Seven Places

i'm trying. i'm really trying.

i'm so uncertain.
i'm scared.
i need to face the music but I think what is holding me back is the fact that i'm not the only one affected. I cant do it again. I just cant. I've wasted so much time, so much money, so much ... everything. I sit here confused, saddened, and hurt. Oh yes, you can probably throw bitter in there too. Jealous as well. I dont know what to do anymore.

How could I have been so foolish? So reckless? Where do I go from here? The past month I've fallen into a deep abyss of blackness. I sit here shaking my head as I type, and all I can think is that I'm looking for the answer to a question I dont even know. I just want to do things right. I'm so tired of... of doing things my way and fooling myself into thinking that it is right. I am eating the very piles of bull i've been putting down for the past i dont know how many years. If i could opt to go to bed and not wake up, sometimes, just sometimes I think i would.

too many things are swirling in my head for me to pinpoint them and figure out what to do. Im not sure if this is a consequence of my recklessness catching up to me or if this is God's way of bringing me to my knees in submission because he knows I cant handle all of this. There are so many questions, grudges, and worries that are taking up my mind that the ONLY time i've found 'peace' is when i sleep and even that is being taken away from me once in a while. It's something I cant ignore for much longer.

right now i feel worthless. a failure.
get this. a true phony. yea.

i hate this.

personal news -

I've decided to put out a sampler album...
it's entitled 'In Transition ... '

here's the cover...


and here's the promo...

and the best part about it is... its free!
contact me at nspeirs@gmail.com to preorder a copy...
otherwise, be patient and wait till sometime in january for this to drop!

here's a sampler of the sampler


----

EVEN BIGGER NEWS...
AFTER THE MUSIC FADES WINTER 2004 COMING STRAIGHT AT YA.
This is an event you DO NOT want to miss.



The staff at OFM spared no expense in the making of this promo.
Listen to em. Be blessed, eat spaghetti.

this post is dedicated to our crah-zy/awesome/quirky/great/inspiring/encouraging/'we-are-so-blessed-to-have-her coordinator, g1.

she doesnt even know that i am writing about her right now, and she has even looked at the screen unaware that i am typing about her as we speak. i'm just very thankful for the person she's been in our church, as well as my own personal life. definately one of the greatest sister-in-christs i have come across. but i think its important we remember that we are human.. including ms jiwon choi. so with that, when we pray for our ministry, our church, our friends, family and maybe even bible study teachers, keep her in your prayers as well. and give her a big hug (if you are a girl) and a warm smile (if you are a guy) when you see her and be sure to wish her luck on your finals, as well as all of your other teachers.

God has truly blessed us.

---
retreat coming up! get ready!

ps... for some fun, when you see g1, ask her if she can complete the following two sayings...

"desperate times call for desperate measures..."
and
"fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

YOU CAN FACEBOOK THIS

that's right.
i said it.

straight out of canton.