.fin.

thanks to those who read through it all.
perhaps ill be around in some other medium.

three years. wow, time has passed.
RIP Mrs. Nancy Cho.
4-15-02

Click to Play

sometimes i wish i knew a way to communicate with you/
but i can only imagine, what you would say or do/
its hard to face the truth but im doing it now/
im looking at the sky speaking to you in the clouds/
and truly no doubt, i know you would be proud/
cuz ya familys being strong and still moving about/
but regardless of this, a big part of you lives/
in ya lil girl's soul, in the heart of ya miss/

i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.


it happened so quick, being attacked on ya shift/
if only we knew it'd be the last day you live/
people kept talkn and saying, how tragic it is/
to have another life taken by a gat and a clip/
but they didnt know about all the people you've touched/
or how your love could have equaled so much/
but if you could say one thing i know what it'd be/
to your son, daughter and husband in grief/
its that love doesnt need, to be said or be heard/
and that love doesnt need to be confessed with the words/
it can be felt by the heart and the soul/
which are the parts that you hold as part of your own/
and the older they grow, their hearts hardly alone/
cuz you're still here as their gaurdian of hope/
and as far as we know, this is far from the end/
cuz you can all be together in heaven again/


i want you to know you're missed
i want you to know you're loved
we wont forget you.


i will go on...
with you always in my heart


although you're gone...
you're still always in my heart


i will go on...
with you always in my heart

a new direction.
1+1=1

[edit]

---

something cool

good music.

"[Verse 1]
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

[Bridge]

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
We head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

[Bridge]

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
But as our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby youuuu and I

[Chorus]

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow"
- Ordinary People, John Legend

This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence, the least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

-Even When, Seven Places

i'm trying. i'm really trying.

i'm so uncertain.
i'm scared.
i need to face the music but I think what is holding me back is the fact that i'm not the only one affected. I cant do it again. I just cant. I've wasted so much time, so much money, so much ... everything. I sit here confused, saddened, and hurt. Oh yes, you can probably throw bitter in there too. Jealous as well. I dont know what to do anymore.

How could I have been so foolish? So reckless? Where do I go from here? The past month I've fallen into a deep abyss of blackness. I sit here shaking my head as I type, and all I can think is that I'm looking for the answer to a question I dont even know. I just want to do things right. I'm so tired of... of doing things my way and fooling myself into thinking that it is right. I am eating the very piles of bull i've been putting down for the past i dont know how many years. If i could opt to go to bed and not wake up, sometimes, just sometimes I think i would.

too many things are swirling in my head for me to pinpoint them and figure out what to do. Im not sure if this is a consequence of my recklessness catching up to me or if this is God's way of bringing me to my knees in submission because he knows I cant handle all of this. There are so many questions, grudges, and worries that are taking up my mind that the ONLY time i've found 'peace' is when i sleep and even that is being taken away from me once in a while. It's something I cant ignore for much longer.

right now i feel worthless. a failure.
get this. a true phony. yea.

i hate this.

personal news -

I've decided to put out a sampler album...
it's entitled 'In Transition ... '

here's the cover...


and here's the promo...

and the best part about it is... its free!
contact me at nspeirs@gmail.com to preorder a copy...
otherwise, be patient and wait till sometime in january for this to drop!

here's a sampler of the sampler


----

EVEN BIGGER NEWS...
AFTER THE MUSIC FADES WINTER 2004 COMING STRAIGHT AT YA.
This is an event you DO NOT want to miss.



The staff at OFM spared no expense in the making of this promo.
Listen to em. Be blessed, eat spaghetti.

this post is dedicated to our crah-zy/awesome/quirky/great/inspiring/encouraging/'we-are-so-blessed-to-have-her coordinator, g1.

she doesnt even know that i am writing about her right now, and she has even looked at the screen unaware that i am typing about her as we speak. i'm just very thankful for the person she's been in our church, as well as my own personal life. definately one of the greatest sister-in-christs i have come across. but i think its important we remember that we are human.. including ms jiwon choi. so with that, when we pray for our ministry, our church, our friends, family and maybe even bible study teachers, keep her in your prayers as well. and give her a big hug (if you are a girl) and a warm smile (if you are a guy) when you see her and be sure to wish her luck on your finals, as well as all of your other teachers.

God has truly blessed us.

---
retreat coming up! get ready!

ps... for some fun, when you see g1, ask her if she can complete the following two sayings...

"desperate times call for desperate measures..."
and
"fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"

YOU CAN FACEBOOK THIS

that's right.
i said it.

straight out of canton.

one moment at a time.
one prayer for every moment.

step by step. circumstance by mother freakin circumstance.

----

i have to admit. all of this can get a bit confusing at times. none of us are exactly predictable, so things can be hard to handle sometimes.

BUT...

i'm still here. i have no plans to leave.

must go to lotteworld.must never smoke.
effective campaign if you ask me.

----
pr0ne to be tempted. walk away.
----

so many things going on at once... ahhhhhhh

im getting new gear...

sexy.sexy.





-edit-

congrats sister.

rough spots.
scraped knees.

sorry.

...and honestly i dont know what the hype is about.

oh.. and one more thing..
do we sweat when we take a hot shower?

He is good. All the time.
Most of the time. I'm not very good.

BUT... there is grace. Thank God for that.

-PLUG-













BE THERE. or... i dont know, you'll just miss out on blessings and trust me, that's not too cool.

i wish i had a car at school. i would so go driving right now.

tonight i'll drive alone...
don't really matter where i'll go
tomorrow's a narrow way
i guess nowhere is where i want to stay.
-silhouette, ken oak

i am not good enough

-edit-

.a candid letter.

to whom it may concern

I noticed. I saw it. Im so happy for you. I just kept quiet because, I'm not there yet. I can be happy for you, but not with you. I'm not ignoring what seems to be a significant symbolic turning point in your life, because I know that it is, but in that same vein I realized how much I need something similar. A turning away of sorts, a rejuvination, a reconciliation, something to bring me back home. I know you've noticed. But I really have wandered far away. Too far. Even to the point where I dont exactly know my way back again. I have a general direction now, but still much is uncertain. However, I also want you to know that having this 'general direction' today is me being in a better place than I have been the past 2 months. It's so frustrating to see how far neglect has caused me to drift away from everything that matters most to me. Isolation and over self-indulgence had become such a big distraction that it's almost become the only thing i find familiar. But deep within, there has always been a tiny cry for restoration, but I foolishly muffled it out of spirit of plain indifference.

Yet you see, this indifference has affected not just me, but everything and everyone around. Destructive, malignant elements were brought into my inner circle, and a lot of people and things that are righteous were distanced from me. Including you. Perhaps never directly, but while at surface you remained always in sight, the panicky flailing about of my soul had caused a substantial undercurrent that was quietly pulling you away, even causing you to struggle admist you're own swim. I hope you can forgive me for such reckless behavior.

Yes, I know, there were faults upon both of us but that does not disregard the fact that mistakes were made on my side, under my watch. I'm supposed to be stronger than that. But regardless of what has happened, let me share my heart for what I think should happen. Swim hard. Swim as hard as you can. When you reach land again, let this shipwreck of an episode serve as a cautious reminder but dont let it become something that weighs you down as you get out of the water and start running. Don't worry about me. I'll catch up as soon as I can. Maybe then we can rejoice together... as long as we never stop running.

God bless you.

ps.
I told you this whole thing isnt as lopsided as you thought it was.

if the lie is white, i gotta mouth full of ivory/
got my conscience goin thru a type of constant rivalry/
i dont see, why, i feel so weak in this place/
mess'n up's my favorite song, cuz i keep repeating mistakes/
my grin is non-consensual, my smile is forced/
sadness monumental... im in denial ofcourse/

just another day another moment of neglect/
and suddenly, i can feel, only the regrets/
fleeting seconds of hope, left in the cold/
my soul's the antonym of fire, i reckon it froze/
feels wretched and old, yo all i want is a song/
or maybe a film, look, book, to admonish the wrong/
if promises bond, then my words are removn the glue/
feel so foolish and lewd, God im so useles to you/
quickly turning shades of grey, colors fade away/
im just another emo kid that complains for days/

.left.behind.

-closing thoughts-
"Teach me all over…all over
To relearn love….show me again
To relearn love…teach me all over…all over
To relearn love…show me again
So I can relearn love"
-relearn love, scott stapp

but..

"someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it alright
but not right now
i know you're wondering when.
(You're the only one who knows that)"
-someday, nickelback

theres trouble in my soul, its gotten cold and callused/
i start to think that im alone and i feel so off-balanced/
my spirits dont just drip away, but they flow in gallons/
they say to patiently await for what i know's a challange/
but as a whole im saddened, not to mention stubborn as well/
its like im stuck in a cell, and i wanna run from this hell/
but im too darn troubled myself, so i got nothing to help/
there's a hopeful voice inside me, but its too subtle to tell/

*notetoself:insanity.brush.hose.1sttime.buttons.timer.thankful.rents.

weird. things seem extremely promising. yet distant.
unsure of the timing. but anticipating.

jaesongayo.

"you look down on me, but you dont look down on me."
-pressing on, relient k