i dont sleep anymore. well at least not well.

i lay in bed for hours until finally i drift off to sleep for a lil while, then i wake up and i go about my day. then i get extremely tired in the afternoon and sometimes unwillingly take a nap cause i just fall asleep in the middle of whatever im doing. "luckily" i lost the car so i cant fall asleep at the wheel. i think i lie awake cuz a combination of guilt and sadness are eating away at me. i get extremely moody at night when im by myself. i just start letting my mind wander... sometimes i even day dream at night, i dream up scenarios where im successful in one sense or another, or where i'm impressing people with my 'accomplishments'. damn, what a bunch of bull.

i realized im an amazing liar. often im just subtle, but at times i will blatantly lie to someone's face. ok i take that back, its mostly all to my parents face. but the subtle lies... i think i do that to everyone, and its gotten to the point where its not even intentional anymore, just a habit. i'll hold back information, or word my phrases and sentences so that it can be interpreted the way i want the person to interpret it, yet still be 'true' in a different way. dont trust me, its dangerous to trust me. the people who trust me the most are the ones i have hurt the most. sometimes i think i should be an actor, cuz i can lie so well.

sometimes i get in these moods where i feel like i want to cry, but im just too drained to do it. yea ive done my share of weeping and brokeness given the situation, but i still haven't shaken this looming sense of failure. in a way, its good though, it motivates me to get my self out there and start doing something about it.

you know, its strange, i feel so lonely and want so badly to just be around my friends, but i wont let myself. maybe its cuz i feel i dont deserve it, or maybe i just like being alone at the same time. i dont think ive answered a call to my cell in about a week, unless i thought it was really important. id rather just listen to messages. i avoid AIM, well mostly cuz my computer's been taken away too, but also cuz i dont feel like talking, when i know a part of me DOES feel like talking. if im actually online, i just put up an away message and just look at who comes on. every night i think to myself, i want to get out of here. forget everything and just start over somewhere. but that's so incredibly selfish, hell everything ive been talking about the past few minutes is all from selfishness. that's why i think more about girls now than i have in the past year, because i just want someone to make me feel good.

its times like these that I actually think clearer. but there is still so much i have to do, but i guess in the end its all about trusting God. i dont think trust is the issue, im just so damned discouraged. Also i havn't completely let go of all my old dreams, habits, lifestyle and pains. I have to bring myself to the point where i lay it ALL down and proclaim that i will follow. so yea, that's why i now have a calander in my room, every day im going to mark whether or not ive remained faithful to my comittments or not. its hard though.

"who am i that you should notice?
how could i have ever afford this?
who are you that you should care for me?"
-Jason Park