to be quite honest...

im scared.

a relationship with the Lord generally tends to instill a sense of confidence in a man. however, what I interpreted as confidence is now beginning to be revealed more and more as cockiness. the difference is minimal, but hardly trivial for the outcome of the actions from each respective attitude are drastically different. The cockiness has seemingly led to delusion which, in turn, has led to self deception which seems to be rapidly leading towards repitition of all that I wanted to overcome in the first place. at this point, i fear the worst. this dilemma, has consumed me to the point where i am completely frightened to confirm my highly probably suspicions, because I am too scared of the consequences to come.

I had given myself an ultimatum before, 'now or never' i said.... as the now has passed, the only apparant option now is never. however the limit i have set on myself was meant more for the sake of motivation's sake, which quickly deterioated only to submerge once in a while, but not nearly enough. at this point, its pretty safe to deem my actions and myself as a failure. I do understand that there is grace, but I am almost at a point where I am so desperate for it, but know that there is going to be a disciplining phase before anything else. it is not the discipline I am so scared of, for I know all must be honed by fire, but rather the apparant evidence that I need to be disciplined for the same damn thing that has haunted me years past. I am approaching things differently, I am going to face it head on with my integrity intact, but I will have little credibility held to my name since I highly doubt I have come through with my promises.

I have but one wish, that I could go back and fix all this. No not by changing the past, but doing the things I say I want to do in the future, right now. I want to be a steward, I want to be used by Him, I want to encourage those who love me with the one thing they have been seeking but I have yet to provide. I fear the worst, I fear I may lose it all. Not to say that I cant rebuild myself, but I feel as if I have been taken so far, but its almost to the point where the Creator is to say "*sigh* he's just not getting it, time to start over".

yea, you could consider this a cry for help, but I think a more accurate way of describing it is, a cry of dissapoint in myself. just a week a go I sang, "just look at where I've come from, just look at where I'll be". In a sense the statement rings true, but I fear that i have come from nowhere, for I am still in the very same place I was a year ago, only altered slightly... so its not like i can learn from my mistakes of the past... its like I am a mistake.... and I have yet to get out of the past.

Wednesday night I'll face it. Come what may, I'll learn to praise Him. I just hope I haven't lost everything/one else besides Him.

so when you see me, speak with me, forgive me for pretending everything's fine. I am just delaying hell.