i find my self taking advantage of things that i have no right to. why is it so hard to reach true freedome?
"Lost and dirty yet You found me
Stained by sin but you have cleansed me
Can it be I'm precious in you sight?"
- Here am I a sinner free, Matt Redman
i am literally ashamed of myself. i dont know how i can turn away, and then when it comes time to it, act like ive done nothing wrong. I cant keep doing this. It's holding me back. It's not like i can just forget about it either. If I stray for just one second, its so easy to fall so far. Why did I choose to push it away this morning!? GAH. Look where I am.
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Wow, I was so foolish back then. Too bad I didnt know. Heck, I wonder if it would have made a difference even if I did know. I'm not even safe when I sleep. Flashbacks continue to creep up in my mind, nudging and subtly shifting me the other way. That aint cool. I wonder if I'm alone on this one, or does it have an equal effect. Perhaps in the other case, there are 'moments' to replace the old ones. I dont want new moments though, it's just gonna screw with me even more in the future. I want to throw it all away. This is holding me back as well.
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Doh. Maybe its the nice weather, I dunno. Maybe I'm just digging myself deeper into the hole. Heh, I dunno why i'm complaining, its so trivial its ridiculous. Still though, its kind of discomforting to find myself distracted at the most important times by this one person. I want SO MUCH to keep my eyes set on Him. I find it so stupid that as humans, if we dont have any real crisis, we have to create our own drama. screw that.
"Consuming fire, fan into flames
Lord have your way, Lord have your way..."
-Consuming Fire, Tim Hughes
"Im gonna lay it down now and I take this vow/
I wont be a punk that gets taken out!/
wont play it down, im gonna face it now/
troubles n struggles what faiths about/"
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[edit]
one last thing i forgot. I was sitting in bed considering it last night, and today I guess it was reaffirmed... especially in the past few minutes. I'm still not exactly sure if you really know what's up but either way I owe you an apology. Cuz I am not in a place where I can judge you in this situation. I wish you the best, seriously though, whatever that may entitle you to. Even though you probably dont even know why I'm apologizing, or even if this is for you that's OK, because I kept this to myself anyways. But for the sake of friendship, I want to tell you that I had a wrongful mentality. I prejudged things from the very start, and even to this day am still trying to rid myself of these personal biases. I think I was just jealous with the possibility that you may have matured faster than I in certain areas where I always seemed to be helping you. Please forgive me.