If I could find a way
Give me the faith I'll try
No, no matter what it takes
I long to be by Your side
To show You my heart is true
If I had wings, oh, I would fly to You
Tell me, won't You tell me
What is it gonna take
Help me, can't You help me
Take my heart for heaven's sake
I see the way You do me
In spite of the things I've done
My heart is saying to me
Look at what Your love has begun
I won't give up
On what I believe
When I could not reach heaven
Heaven came to me
How I long to be there beside You
Gimme half a chance and I would try to
If I could, You know that I would
I would fly to You
- Fly to You, Avalon
(thanks to irene for the song suggestion)
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i was blessed with the oppurtunity to go to my old church's lock in last night. i'm really glad i went. although, listening to my old pastor's sermons, interacting with my old friends and so on and so forth... i realized how different a youth and college ministry is...its basically a level of maturity and a shifting of priorities when it comes down to it. not that its a bad thing, its just means that they have even more potential room to grow spiritually, physically, and mentally.
the funny thing about it, that despite how well ive adjusted, despite the great experience of starting all over, with a new set of core friends, core brothers and sisters to rely on... there was a moment at the lock in where i missed it all again. As time passed on here at UMBC, ive more and more adapted to being away from my old friends, and more and more adapted to my new environment. but it all hit me again, a weird mixture of emotions, just came over me at one point.
after we watched the movie angus, people kind of scattered off around the church, but within a short time, most of them had congregated in the worship room, and at first i was like, aw man, because i was kind of hoping most of the people would end up in the fellowship hall instead, so i could have an oppurtunity to catch up a little bit. anyhow, it was then the first twinges of nostalgia started to hit me. so i walked around the church, around the hallways, in the dark, by myself, i went into the main sanctuary, and kind of just paused to take it all in. i looked in the classrooms, just remembering it all, how i havent seen all of this in over two months when im used to seeing it every weekend since we moved there 3 years ago. and by this point, the music from the worship room was becoming more and more intense, so i went down to join everyone else and see wassup.
i entered, and there, almost everyone who had come to the lock in was there, and a good number of people, were gathered in the front, some playing the keyboard, some the bass, some the guitar, drums etc... and although perhaps they were worshiping more for the sake of fellowship, worship is still worship, the words dont change, and when they are all having so much fun worshipping, without a doubt im sure God is pleased. then i realized that my prior notion of wanting to just mingle in the fellowship hall rather then have a random jam worship session was rediculous. Its much better in the end to have people worship! So i came in, looked at everyone, sitting and chatting/worshipping, and those up in the front just letting go of it all and singing, I just became happy. So i just kind of slinked into a chair in the back, propped my feet up, and just watched them.
Heh, i felt like the old guy who sits in the back and just reminices, and that's kind of exactly what i was. although, not really OLD. just older. I watched everyone, studied them, looked at their faces, listened to their voices specificall, watched them play. I noticed how some have changed little in apperance, but others have definatelly grown up a little bit. I watched as a group of the sisters was just there arm in arm, bonding under the presence of God, while lifting up his name. The best part of it all, was that everyone was happy. That made me happy too. I didnt really feel like it was my place to join, so I just sat back, and listened. There were times when I even closed my eyes for a little bit just to listen. It's been quite a while since I've heard all of them singing together like that, and I missed it, I missed it a lot.
Gee, I kind of make sound everything sound so elegant, hah I forgot to point out the other aspects. Watching everyone goof around. That used to be me, being silly with all of them, probably because I liked making people laugh, and also cause I admit there's a part of me that enjoys the attention. But as i said, it didnt feel like it was my part to do so anymore. So i just watched, as they goofed off on the mic, or strained and struggled to sing the more difficult songs, or mess up on their instruments throwing everyone off, then everyone would just laugh. I laughed too, but not exactly for the same reasons. What was going on was funny, but my laughter was more of a way of expressing how much i miss doing what they were doing with them, yet how happy I am that they can still laugh together.
My old youth group isnt perfect, I make it sound like they are, but that's because as humans, we tend to make people/things/events grow fonder in our memories with time. But i know they are faults they have to work on, just like everyone else in this world. I'm glad they have Steve Jundo tho, because he desperately wants so much for the Youth to fix their mistakes and become a true body of christ. Its kind of funny, how I didnt really want the same thing for the Youth until I left it. Well, I guess in a way I wanted it before, but not as much as I do now. I pray that they take steve's efforts words to heart, because I realized why i respect that man so much. Because he seeks to be led by God as much as possible. And I know God has only the best of intentions for the youth. No matter what, no matter the shortcomings, I consider myself incredibly blessed to have everyone as my friend, as my brother or sister. I dont think I would have wanted it any other way. And, now, I think they are ready to really start running for God.
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