the only justification that i've been going on is the fact that i am convicted in my views. the funny thing about convictions, i realized, is that you can be convicted about the wrong thing, but still believe you are right. and when we say we are right, we mean we are the ones who have the truth. if truth is to be exclusive, meaning there can only be one truth, one ultimate, underlying truth, then that means one of us has to be wrong.
when i think about it, i begin to hope more and more that i am the wrong one. Because if I am, then there is no harm down, i just simply have to adjust some of my beliefs, or even just reevaluate the ones I have and try to figure out whether or not I misinterpreted things. That won't be so hard. If you are wrong, you're going to get hurt. I dont want you to get hurt, but for some reason I believe you are going to in the end somehow. And I wont be there to help you up either, but I guess there will be others to help you. Either way though, when it comes to the possibility of you getting hurt against the possibility of me just having to do some reflection, id rather do reflection then see you get smacked in the face. Although sometimes I wonder if maybe, If I am the one who holds this so called 'exclusive truth', then perhaps if the consequences of your actions are not what you had wished for, then maybe you will learn from it and begin to see where I am coming from. Maybe this is better actually, maybe you need to have something slap you in the face once and for all to get you out of this vicious cycle.
Ideally of course, you wouldnt have to have such an abrupt wake up call, and maybe, just maybe, you happen to stumble upon something good, and there is no need for any further drama. To tell you the truth, I wish I could say I believe that this has happened. But for some reason, something deep inside me is telling me otherwise. Prove me wrong, please prove me wrong. Maybe I take too much pride in my so called 'gut feeling', but more often then not, it has proven to be faithful. There is a slight possibility that my so called 'gut feeling' this time around is just the result of my convictions leading on my thought processes, and for your sake I hope that this is the case.
My impulse emotions right now, at this very moment, is actually to just leave. It sounds cold, it sounds bitter even, and who knows, maybe it is. I can tell it is the selfish part of me just wanting to let go of responsibility. Although the influence I have in your life diminishes with time, I still feel responsible as to what happens to you. I very much want to protect you, but there are moments when it hits me hard, that I cant. Therefore, rather then just sit here, and watch you all struggle through your trials, not being able to help you, as well as missing out on celebrating your joys, I feel like I'd much rather forget about you. Memories are dangerous, they play with your mind, they alter your perception, and they can be distorted with time. I cant rely on memories...
And as for you, I'm sorry I hurt you in the past. What I did, i tried to justify to make it sound like I was being considerate, even compassionate. To a degree I was looking out for you, but I know a large part of it was for selfish reasons. I had gotten too caught up in things to realize exactly what had happened, and when I started to see it, i was rather shocked. I do know that, regardless of my motivations for doing so, what happened was actually for the better. I dont know if you see it, but it seems to me that you have found your happiness in something else. What worries me at this point is that, you are banking too much on this one thing that makes you happy, when in reality you should be seeking it else where, in God. Heh, i laugh at my self when I reminisce about me trying to be all christian like for you, when I was more concerned about looking good in your eyes, rather then the salvation of your heart. If i could go back and do it all over again, there'd be a lot of things I'd change. but of course that is a rediculous notion, and shouldnt even be thought out, but at least we didnt leave for our own seperate directions on too bad a note. I geniuenly wish you the best.
Hm... what can i say? You still cross my mind. It's not so much an infatuation any longer, just a curiousity. Not for the moment, but rather, what if in the future. I know myself, and I have set my goals and boundaries for the present. And god willing, I will abide by them. You have not been included. Not becase I didnt want you there, but rather just because you would be much to big a distraction for me to do what I have to do, which is carry out my duties as a child of christ to further His kingdom. It's insane though, sometimes I look for you, hoping you'd show up even though realistically I know the chances of that happening are small. All the better though, for I would once again get distracted. The way things worked with you though, was different then how I approached everything else. You stand out for some reason, but maybe that is my mind playing tricks again, it could be you are no different then the other examples of the past. Examples is being used for lack of a better word here. You seem to be the one other person who would be as dedicated to sticking to their beliefs as I am right now. No, not necessarily in the religious context, but I believe I have an idea for what you stand for, and you seem so strong minded despite your quiet and calm exterior. Never stray from him.
You hurt me, badly in fact. Yet I dont blame you, hold any grudges or anything of that sort. You had no intention to do so, therefore I have no reason to be upset with you. Time heals, and thankfully I can still percieve time, meaning I have healed. You too, seem to have found a source of happiness, the question remains is whether or not it is the right one. That sounded too cynical. I just mean, I hope you being to seek other forms of joy, more faithful and even better, more incredible sources of happiness. I really hope you turn to God for that. but one can only hope I suppose. You are truly.... unique, perhaps even a bit queer. not in the homosexual sense heh. Just... different. I feel a little bit different about you though. You are one of the few people I dont feel like disconnectiong myself from at this moment, rather I just want to be there for you, because for some reason or another, something tells me you're gonna need that. I hope this isnt foreshadowing into something disasterous, that would be really bad. Not that you arent strong, but I believe you arent as strong as you hope yourself to be. That's alright though, most of us have a higher view of oursevles then we should.
California. Why do I feel so drawn? I need to seek his wisdom on this matter. This is my plan, but im not sure if it's His. Heh, UMBC was never part of my plan, but here I am, and yet I find this to be one of the most blessed experiences I have yet to encounter in my 17 years that I have been alive. I am intensly curious as to where He will lead me in the next few years of my life. What I am talking about? This isnt even my life. It's His. 'For You are Good, Your Love Endures Forever'.....
[just a stream of conciousness, i dont really expect anyone to read all of this, but if you do, I definately doubt you'd be able to understand it. hehe, good luck trying though, its just things I would say to certain people If i could be completely blunt and honest]
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The greatest love of all.... is that of which comes from God.
The greatest thing you will ever learn, is that no matter how much you love God, He loves you so much more in return.
-oooh i ripped of cheesy lines and made them profound!
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