This week, I prayed, one time
My phone, it rang, I put You on the other line
And now my thoughts they drift around
My knees remain unacquainted with the ground
Unless my faith is put to the test and I am forced to bow
Although I'm in this flesh it doesn't mean You shouldn't have the best
from me, from me

[Chorus:]
Even when my eyes are dry
even when my soul is tired
even when my hands are heavy, I will lift them up to You
It's not about how I feel, oh Lord I am here for You
I exist for you

I close my eyes but all I see
Is a background of black, bouncy squiggly lines
And this week's mistakes coming back to mind but
I will lift my voice and make a joyful sound
Forget about me, I only get me down
Although I cannot see it doesn't mean I shouldn't sing to You, to You

[Chorus]

You've given me Your life and have held mine together yet I find
Excuses to slouch in my pew
But when glory divine
Is sitting in my very presence, the least that I can do
Is give my all to You, give my all to You

[Chorus]

-Even When, Seven Places

i'm trying. i'm really trying.

i'm so uncertain.
i'm scared.
i need to face the music but I think what is holding me back is the fact that i'm not the only one affected. I cant do it again. I just cant. I've wasted so much time, so much money, so much ... everything. I sit here confused, saddened, and hurt. Oh yes, you can probably throw bitter in there too. Jealous as well. I dont know what to do anymore.

How could I have been so foolish? So reckless? Where do I go from here? The past month I've fallen into a deep abyss of blackness. I sit here shaking my head as I type, and all I can think is that I'm looking for the answer to a question I dont even know. I just want to do things right. I'm so tired of... of doing things my way and fooling myself into thinking that it is right. I am eating the very piles of bull i've been putting down for the past i dont know how many years. If i could opt to go to bed and not wake up, sometimes, just sometimes I think i would.

too many things are swirling in my head for me to pinpoint them and figure out what to do. Im not sure if this is a consequence of my recklessness catching up to me or if this is God's way of bringing me to my knees in submission because he knows I cant handle all of this. There are so many questions, grudges, and worries that are taking up my mind that the ONLY time i've found 'peace' is when i sleep and even that is being taken away from me once in a while. It's something I cant ignore for much longer.

right now i feel worthless. a failure.
get this. a true phony. yea.

i hate this.